OMG, holy crap, have you seen this vagina bleach stuff people are talking about? Well, in case you haven’t seen it, yes, this is a real product that bleaches the area around your hoo-ha (or as I call it, your hoo-harea) and they sell in India and Asia because apparently women over there have this dark crotch problem.
Screen shot 2013-11-11 at 10.57.28 PM
WTF???!!!! I’d really like to know who convinced them they have a dark crotch problem because as far as I’ve noticed, men don’t really give a shit how dark your crotch is as long as there’s a hole there. Am I right?!
Anyways, I was doing a little research on this hoo-harea bleach (and by research I mean checking this shit out on the internet, NOT on my vajayjay) when I stumbled upon this other product called My New Pink Button. Holy F. Have you seen this thing? It’s kind of just as bad as the hoo-harea bleach only worse. It’s DIY pink dye for your labia. No, that whole sentence is not a typo. DO-IT-YOURSELF PINK DYE FOR YOUR LABIAGGGGHHHHH! See?
Screen shot 2013-11-11 at 10.59.46 PM
Okay, first of all, I had NO F’ING IDEA “labia color-loss” was a problem, but apparently a lot of women suffer from LCL. WHAT???!!! Yes, apparently your labia loses color as you get older. Are you F’ing kidding me? My boobs sag, my elbows flop, and now this?! My labia fades?!! Awesome. And since I don’t look at my labia every day, for alls I know my labia is ALREADY F’ing Caspar the Ghost. Wait, I don't mean “F’ing Caspar” like having sex with him. Ewwww, my labia wouldn’t F Caspar, he’s just a little boy ghost. Hmm, I’ve never thought about that before, is Caspar like a little boy who died? That is so sad. But I digress. Like MAJORLY.
Anyways, as you can see, My New Pink Button comes in this nifty little tin can, kind of like a fancy candle or surfboard wax. Only it’s not wax, it’s labia dye. So while I was planning on writing about hoo-harea bleach, well, I’m not anymore. I’m writing about My New Pink Button, the pink dye women are using to reinvigorate their faded labias. So here goes.
1. Gosh, I really hate how my vagina is losing its color. Said no woman ever.
2. Hells no, I ain’t having sex with that pale vajayjay. Said no MAN ever.
3. Well, this is just a silly product. When my vajayjay needs a little boost of color I just give it a quick pinch on my way out the door.
4. Okay, it says the kit contains labia colorant dye. LABIA COLORANT DYE. Like this is a common household item. They F’ing made those words up. Like the way my shaving gel says lotionized. Not a real word, people.
5. The kit also says, “Our products are never tested on animals, but it will bring out the animal in you.” Yeah, you know what kind? One of those baboons with the giant bright red asses.
6. Shit, I better go check my labia in the mirror to see if I’m losing color there. Too bad I have no F’ing idea what color it was before.
7. Damn it, I forgot to dye my vajayjay today. Quick say something embarrassing that’ll make my labia blush.
8. I’m so curious, do you get someone to apply it for you or do you grab a mirror and do this shit yourself? ‘Cause there’s only one person checking out my labia.
ME: Honey, would you mind dying my labia?
HUBBY: Depends, would you mind signing these divorce papers?
9. Oh wait, I stand corrected, there are two people I let check out my labia.
ME: Hey, while you’re down there giving me a pap smear would you mind dying my labia?
DR.: I need a psych consult in exam room C!
10. So here’s a question. After a long round of sex (dear God, pleeeeease cum already) does his penis turn pink like when you suck on a big ole lollipop for a long time?
11. And I feel like if I were dying my labia a color for my man, it wouldn’t be pink. Like I’d go for something men like, like blue or camouflage or black. Ewwww, a black labia? Wait, that totally sounded racist. That’s not what I meant. I just meant that if I dyed my labia black, it’d be a black labia on a white woman. And that’s just got wrong written all over it
12. I googled labia to see if I could tell what color a labia should be and this seriously might be the worst mistake I have EVER made in my entire life. There are some totally F’ed up labias on google. Why the hell do people post pictures of their messed up labias there? Agggghhhhh!! I’m thinking about suing google for showing them to me. Only they’d have to show these pictures in court and the whole jury would be throwing up and then they’d each have to sue google too for seeing these pictures and so on and so on until the whole world is scarred for life and suing google.
13. F that pink ribbon. I know what I'm doing for breast cancer awareness month. Check out my pink labia!
14. You know how at a bar all the women crowd around the mirror putting their lipstick on and shit? I triple dare someone to whip out their labia dye and start applying it.
15. And do you think they sell this shit in Sephora? And if so, do they have a tester? And if so, NO WAY IN HELL. I thought the tester lipsticks were bad.
16. OMG, my daughter LOVES pink. She is going to go bonkers! Look, sweetie, my hoo-ha is pinkalicious!!!!
17. MAN: No way hozay, the last time I went down on you, my mouth looked like I’d been drinking Kool Aid for a week!
18. HOME DEPOT GUY: Picking out paint chips for your daughter’s room?
ME: Nahhh, just trying to decide which color to paint my labia.
19. Take that, Georgia O’Keefe, you’re not the only one who can paint pink vaginas!
20. Hells yeah, I totally know EXACTLY what I’m going to sing while I put it on. Isn’t she-eeeee, pretty in pink? Isn’t she pretty in pink?
So there you go. If you like what I have to say about pink labias, you might also like what I have to say about parenting. Check out my new book I Heart My Little A-Holes, available in paperback on Amazon and Barnes and Noble online, and in ebook on Kindle, Nook and iBook.


REVIEWS on Amazon



5.0 out of 5 stars Doesn't your man deserve perfection?, March 5, 2010
By 
Charlene Vickers (Winnipeg, Manitoba) - See all my reviews
This review is from: My New Pink Button - Bettie (Health and Beauty)
Ladies, we all know that we are nothing unless we can catch a man and keep him. We also know that the fat, balding, underachieving, middle-aged shlub we married will ditch us in a moment for that man-stealing ho Miss Universe if we aren't superficially perfect at all times. But what to do when we start to look like one of those "normal" women instead of an always-perfect supermodel?

My New Pink Button is the answer! Formulated by a quack manicurist - sorry, I mean a "paramedical esthetician" - My New Pink Button will take off the years, take off the children, and take off the reality! Its patented "natural" "formula" (wink wink) is guaranteed to remove what other, lesser women call "normal vaginal coloration" and replace it with pink perfection! And all this with a minimum of permanent scarring and complete loss of sexual response - but who needs that anyway, sex is for men!

My New Pink Button has never been tested on animals (so if it burns your skin off or causes cancer that's your problem) and contains twenty disposable applicators (so you'll be able to fool him twenty times!).

Remember, girls: when your man comes home after a long, hard day of standing around the water cooler telling dirty jokes and ogling the secretaries, he deserves the hottest, most ultra-conformist woman he can find. You owe it to him to be as superficially perfect as you can! Buy My New Pink Button today!
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87 of 88 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Made For Women, Yet Pink Enough For a Man, January 31, 2012
This review is from: My New Pink Button - Bettie (Health and Beauty)
As a 27-year-old, I recognize that I have begun the long decline into old age, senility, and most importantly, pale and gray old-man genitalia. All my friends seem to be handling the aging process with style and class; I've been having more trouble coping than usual. My psychiatrist recommended that I take proactive steps to ease my passage into my twilight years, and this product was my first idea. I swore to myself that while my hair may fall out and my skin may wrinkle, I will NOT go to the grave with a monochromatic baton.

I was pleased with the ease of application of this product. It comes with 20 disposable applicators, which I image are for female use, but I discovered that it is much quicker to simply dip the tip of my dirigible into the dye and spread it along the shift with a quick up-and-down motion of the hand. The best time to do this, I have found, it right after waking up or in the shower. This does result in my having a pink hand for the rest of the day, but I figure people will be impressed by the vibrant, lively color of my palms.

Speaking of the color, the Day-Glo pink hue that this product imparts on my potato is wonderful. I look fresh as a daisy, youthful and energetic, like a 10-year-old captain of the swim team hanging out with his pals in the locker room playing snap-the-towel. I like to imagine women having to shield their eyes in wonder and pain as the neon pink glow dazzles them. I will post a second review as soon as I get a woman's response to seeing this product in action.

Men, don't be afraid of this product just because it is marketed towards women. If women can smoke, vote, and run for president, then a man can dye his oboe to bring the snap back to his life, in the sack and out of it. Just walking around with this fluorescent tool in my pants is enough to give me a great new outlook on life. As my idol Zyzz would say, "Get aesthetic, guys."
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136 of 141 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars This kitty's got a new coat ... of paint!, May 25, 2011
This review is from: My New Pink Button - Bettie (Health and Beauty)
I wasn't even aware of my embarrassing genital discoloration before I stumbled across this product. I haven't been this "fresh" and (temporarily) pink for 25 years! (I'm 32, you do the math ...).
My boyfriend hasn't noticed the difference yet (he prefers to do it with the lights off, eyes closed), but one of these days I'm going to "accidentally" show him my sexy new vagina and prepare to get skewered!
Just think ... if it weren't for your product, many women might not even consider the color of their labia to be a problem at all. Can you imagine? Women walking around with gray, discolored vaginas in their pants and feeling totally OKAY about it? Gross!
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194 of 206 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Fantastic product!, March 7, 2010
This review is from: My New Pink Button - Bettie (Health and Beauty)
For a long time I have felt my sex lust decreasing, much due to the fact that my wife is getting older and lesser attractive for each year.
One of my biggest concerns has been the unattractive gray colour which her labia has attained during recent years. It simply isn't pleasing to the eye anymore.
We've tried all sorts of things to spice it up, from car batteries and buttplugs, to whips and strap-ons, all to no avail.
In hindsight most of these things were just silly, since they didn't get to the root of the problem, which of course was her labia.

And getting to the root of the problem is exactly what this product does! It has revitalized our sex life completely. Now having intercourse doesn't feel as much like necrophilia anymore, but rather brings back sweet memories of having sex with 16 year old Croatian prostitutes, much like I used to do during the war!

Thank you My New Pink Button!
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86 of 89 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars FANTASTIC, January 31, 2012
This review is from: My New Pink Button - Bettie (Health and Beauty)
I'm so glad I've found this product. I didn't realise I was at risk of such a horrible fate. I am only 21 so my labia is still lovely and pink, but I had no idea it went grey. How foul. I've now started checking my vagina in the mirror every day to make sure it's still pink, and I've ordered a couple of tubs of this stuff in preparation for the day it all goes wrong.

I am eternally in debt to the genius who invented this stuff. WITHOUT YOU, I WOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN THERE WAS ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME. IMAGINE THAT.

Just off to wax all my hair off. Wouldn't want to be a FREAK. Can you imagine having a grey labia AND pubes. Christ.
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75 of 77 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars The refreshing sensation of brand new lady-parts, May 26, 2011
This review is from: My New Pink Button - Bettie (Health and Beauty)
I gotta say, after years of winning the game of aneorexia, hair dye, a great pancake make-up tone that hides my acne, botox, designer clothes and shoes, implants, skin bleaching for my freckles, and other "little secrets" that my cosmetic surgeon is under waiver not to tell, I've always felt sad that, while I could have my lady parts tightened so I'm not waiving a flag, there was nothing to do about the natural brownish color that truly reveals a woman's age.

Until now.

While my online searches didn't really bring up the results that this fine medical professional obviously did (he's probably using the googles), I was so thankful that I stumbled across this gem of a product. Of course, I was skeptical. I mean, who wouldn't be? Obviously if there was a need for this service, wouldn't my cosmetic surgeon have heard something about it by now? (Truly, I believe he isn't interested in me at all, just my checkbook.)

It was awkward to apply. I had to purchase a handheld mirror large enough to steady with my thighs. Because I didn't want to get anything on me and I found the length of the applicators too short, I went ahead and used some old make-up brushes I had lying around.

The results were BEAUTIFUL! My silver fox couldn't keep his hands off of me.. until the dye wore off onto his hands. However, we now make sure to keep a stock of latex gloves available for those "intimate times".

Ladies, do yourself a favor, and don't let this final imperfection go unchallenged!
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49 of 49 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars The Ideal Mothers Day Gift, February 4, 2012
This review is from: My New Pink Button - Bettie (Health and Beauty)
Struggling for gift ideas. Why settle for plain old chocolate, flowers or books. This could be the ideal solution. It comes in Pink so is suitable for women of all ages. Just watch Nan's face light up at Christmas time!
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152 of 165 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Job !!, February 11, 2010
This review is from: My New Pink Button - Bettie (Health and Beauty)
I got the ole misses some of this cooter cream cause although she is a classic let's just say she wasn't garage kept. We both enjoyed ourselves as I waxed her squack and the dye really brought out the original finish. My only question comment is that I wish it had that new car smell, or maybe leather. But anyway, I've been inside my wife all week and it's been a great ride.
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36 of 36 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Does exactly what it says on the tin!, January 31, 2012
This review is from: My New Pink Button - Bettie (Health and Beauty)
Bought Mrs Seal a tin of My New Pink Button for her birthday. She was over the moon, it was as easy to apply as a new coat of creosote to the shed, and all most as much fun too. Her freshly painted poonani now looks less like a badly packed kebab and more like a more a newly budding rose.
Thanks MNPB!
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************************************************************************

Who knew greying private parts was a problem that needed solving? Amazon sell £30 dye to restore 'rosy hue' - but hilarious reviews slam 'ridiculous' product

  • My New Pink Button is a temporary cosmetic genital dye
  • Available in four shades; Ginger, Marilyn, Audrey and Bettie
  • Designed to counteract the 'greying' of the labia 
  • Available to buy on Amazon for around £23 ($36.95)
  • Three of the four shades have already sold out
PUBLISHED: 09:14, 16 September 2013 | UPDATED: 12:03, 16 September 2013

While waxing and grooming of pubic hair has long been de rigueur, the increasing popularity of  labioplasty and other cosmetic procedures for women's private parts suggests that the appearance of the nether regions is becoming something of an obsession for appearance-concious women.
However the latest product to hit the market aimed at the transformation of 'greying' feminine areas may be a step too far for some.
My New Pink Button is a cosmetic genital dye that claims to be able to restore women's labia to a 'youthful pink'.
My New Pink Button is a temporary genital dye designed to correct 'greying' and restore a 'youthful pink' to a woman's nether regions
My New Pink Button is a temporary genital dye designed to correct 'greying' and restore a 'youthful pink' to a woman's nether regions
Available to buy on Amazon for £23 ($36.95), My New Pink Button comes in four shades, 'Ginger', 'Marilyn', 'Bettie' and 'Audrey' all packaged in a Fifties-style tin.
The dye is temporary and is applied with an applicator to the area where it takes effect immediately.
While one may question where the idea for such a product came from, the website states that the 'patent pending formula' was designed by a certified Paramedical Esthetician after she discovered her own genital colour loss. 
While looking online for a solution the website says she discovered 'thousands of other women' asking the same questions regarding their colour loss. 
After much research she could unearth no solution and, after a discussion with her gynecologist, she decided to create her own.
'Now there's a solution!' the website crows, as if it were they had found the answer to some question we'd all been asking.
Each so-called Dye System Kit includes 20 disposable applicators, a mixing dish, the labia colourant and an instructional guide.
The four shades of dye mean you can pick the level and intensity of change - ranging from Marilyn at the lighter end to Audrey at the darkest. 
Three of the four shades are currently out of stock on the website
Three of the four shades are currently out of stock on the website, with only 'Ginger' still available
Each Dye System Kit includes 20 disposable applicators, mixing dish, the labia colorant dye of your choice and an instructional guide.
Each Dye System Kit includes 20 disposable applicators, mixing dish, the labia colorant dye of your choice and an instructional guide
The darkest shade is described as for the 'woman who wants to be daring' to give a 'bold burgundy pink colour'.
'Perfect for everyone, and your own base colour will determine the depth of this shade. Tonight it's Show time!!' the website states.
However for those less willing to make a statement with their lady-parts there is Marilyn 'for beginners'. 
Many of the top rated customer comments are decidedly tongue-in-cheek
Many of the top rated customer comments are decidedly tongue-in-cheek
Many of the top rated customer comments are decidedly tongue-in-cheek
Marilyn is described as perfect for those 'who want to make a slight, fresh colour change in their appearance or those who are very fair skinned' while Bettie prompts a more exciting description.
The website says: 'Think of that favourite lipstick you wear for those dressy black tie affairs and think "Bettie". This shade blends with a woman's own skin tones to bring out that "sexy hot pink, I am fired up, look". Go dancing this weekend and remember to bring "Bettie" along!'
But those who have discovered the product for sale on Amazon have had mixed reactions, with most of the top rated customer reviews taking a slightly tongue-in-cheek attitude to the existence of My New Pink Button.
Despite the understandable cynicism surround the necessity of labia dye, nearly all the shades of the dye have sold out, with only two pots of 'Ginger' remaining in stock.




http://www.amymahvampire.com 

Amy Mah is a snarky, sarcastic and cynical author who writes of her life as a modern Vampire and whose books can be seen at: 

www.FangsRule.com or on Amazon Amy has written VAMPIRE where you read of her problems of living her life as a blood chilling denizen of the night.







Body Swap





Swapping bodies with a young female demon had not been part of the planned vacation. 

Nor was having to attend a demonic high school for the magically gifted. 

When the most magical thing you could do was set your own underwear on fire.

 Life was not going to be easy, even less so with a painful tail that everyone trod on.

 Owning a magic sword that always tried to look up your skirt when fighting was not helpful. 

But then nor was having a telepathic diary that corrected your thinking instead of your spelling.

www.fangsrule.com/fire.htm





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