Amy Mah is a snarky, sarcastic and cynical author who writes of her life as a modern Vampire and whose books can be seen at: www.FangsRule.com or on Amazon her first book is self help guide called: Fangs Rule a girls guide to being a vampire from Reardon Publishing and is available as full colour paperback, Kindle; E Book. Amy also written VAMPIRE where you read of her problems of living her life as a blood chilling denizen of the night. Later this year her book on sexy Demons will be published
Just because I am a vampire it does not mean I don’t do girl shopping and now with 24hr shopping vampires can join in searching for bargains in the new year sales during the hours of darkness.
Took my maid BAMBI with me as I and still not allowed out un chaperoned, I have told you about her before she is a turnling ……….ex-human ……….. like shes Undead ok what humans think all vampire are, fangs and boobs……….. never ageing and with a hair style that stays looking perfect even in a force 10 gale…. Makes you sick don’t it............... er well nearly .......... You have the same hairstyle as on the day you died and Bambi ........... well Bambi was gonig to have her hair done the next day.............. er .............too late.......... her picture is below:
BAMBI
Why called Bambi? …….well she says it was because she was conceived during a Walt Disney film of the same name in a drive in theatre and who am I to question that, if it has to be anywhere then during a drive in Walt Disney film is as good a time and place as any.
Any way she loves going shopping as it means freedom from the nest for a few hours, plus she like the way I leave my purse on full display on top of the shopping waiting for some guy to snatch it and run off …………….. it is always so much fun to build up an appetite chasing ones lunch and I let her join in, it is a rush as we cant be seen eating in public so we both spend the rest of the time shopping trying not to burp.
Thinking of things as we shop took my mind to a gift I had recently from my Aunt……. As I was complaining about all my underwear having small pink bats on them she got me a pack of something called Collage Girl Specials…………….. A pack of 5 panties with days of the week on them …………….. Er…………. Why five? ……….what am I to do on Saturday and Sunday!!! …………….
As to why have days of the week on them………...What is the point? ……….. if I don’t know what day it is I will ask someone and not life up my skirt to check !!!!!!!!!
If the manufactures wanted to be really helpful then they would print numbers and do a pack of 31 as knowing days of the month is far more useful to a girl than knowing days of the week! …………
Now Guys in Panties, or even without ...cough cough ... now that is a far more interesting subject .....lol
Real Fur underwear and yes it is available and no I have not got any, not due to anything about being politically correct over the killing of animals for fur seeing I kill humans for blood, but more on the fact that I fear they would tickle like hell Even leather underwear may sound good until you remove it and show the world the rub marks and as to smell ………….. Look you do know that wearing leather panties can create an interesting body aroma ……vampire have a good sense of smell…. Look just believe me, after a fight or a run across the roof tops wearing leather panties you will be as sore as hell and pong…. And as to guys wearing leather shorts …HMG guys smell as it is, well I like a guy hung like a horse and not smelling like one! So forget about Hollywood vampire in tight leather panties this vampire sticks to either cotton or silk for her panties…… ok ok so they are all black but that is normal for a vampire girl ok, well when I say all are black I am of course not counting birthday presents from my Aunt, it is not that I even wear the pink ones with little black bats on them she always buys me …well not every day and well they do have bats on them so they are vampire undies, and it would upset her if I did not wear them now wouldn’t it, and I do have leather pants and jacket so it is fine as now one knows apart from me, and of course my Aunt….er ….. and well now you.
A self help guide by Amy Mah (Vampire) for teenage vampire girls, the guide is fully illustrated by manga Artist Heby and is written in an easy to follow A - Z format explaining everything a teenage vampire girl would need to know about living life as a modern Vampire. What is fashionable to wear when eating out? Fang maintenance & how to keep your claws sharp. Should you let a boy bite you on the first date? Easy to understand clear advice is given to every day problems Example: When you get an urge to bite: We all get those normal urges to bite things, and I must point out it is very normal, Claws are all well and good in a fight but a bite gives the extra advantage of getting a refreshing drink at the same time. Lots of girls worry about showing their Fangs in public believing that to show your fangs is rude, but don't be shy they can be a girls greatest asset (ok second greatest asset) if a boy is being rude to you, don't just snarl at him, just bite him! You are a vampire why do you think you have sharp teeth if not for sinking them into a boy that is being rude to you.
Today's world is difficult for everyone, especially teenagers. They face the stresses of school, deciding whom to date, and the biggie of sex, just to name a few. Imagine all of those things ten times worse, and you might get an idea of what it's like being a living, breathing teenage vampire. At last, the world can read about the life of a girl with good teeth, her problems with strong sunlight that gave her spots, and the sunblock that made her hair go yucky and produced more spots. Yes, sunlight was dangerous, as she could be the first teenager in history to die from terminal acne! In her everyday life, older vampires expected her to walk about at night in the traditional female uniform, a see-through, 18th-century nightdress, without undies! Well, this female vampire knew why the cold winds blowing along the corridors were called, "male winds," so she wore her see-through nightdress over jeans and a very thick jumper. To be sure that people would still know she was a vampire, the jumper had a very large, pink bat on it. And as to guys, well, it was normal for a girl to dream about guys; she just wished the dreams could have involved chocolates and holding hands, not leaping out at someone, ripping off his shirt, and demanding to know what blood type he was (at least not on the first date).
Just watched the Complete series of the anime Freezing, and it is good fun with lots of action.
Guys will love it as they fight without bras and the uniform always falls apart when fighting. Personally I think they would find it easier to fight with smaller boobies but then come to that they would also find it easier to stand up. Lots of great fighting which is mostly between the girls as the monsters we don't see much of until the end.
A self help guide by Amy Mah (Vampire) for teenage vampire girls, the guide is fully illustrated by manga Artist Heby and is written in an easy to follow A - Z format explaining everything a teenage vampire girl would need to know about living life as a modern Vampire. What is fashionable to wear when eating out? Fang maintenance & how to keep your claws sharp. Should you let a boy bite you on the first date? Easy to understand clear advice is given to every day problems Example: When you get an urge to bite: We all get those normal urges to bite things, and I must point out it is very normal, Claws are all well and good in a fight but a bite gives the extra advantage of getting a refreshing drink at the same time. Lots of girls worry about showing their Fangs in public believing that to show your fangs is rude, but don't be shy they can be a girls greatest asset (ok second greatest asset) if a boy is being rude to you, don't just snarl at him, just bite him! You are a vampire why do you think you have sharp teeth if not for sinking them into a boy that is being rude to you.
Today's world is difficult for everyone, especially teenagers. They face the stresses of school, deciding whom to date, and the biggie of sex, just to name a few. Imagine all of those things ten times worse, and you might get an idea of what it's like being a living, breathing teenage vampire. At last, the world can read about the life of a girl with good teeth, her problems with strong sunlight that gave her spots, and the sunblock that made her hair go yucky and produced more spots. Yes, sunlight was dangerous, as she could be the first teenager in history to die from terminal acne! In her everyday life, older vampires expected her to walk about at night in the traditional female uniform, a see-through, 18th-century nightdress, without undies! Well, this female vampire knew why the cold winds blowing along the corridors were called, "male winds," so she wore her see-through nightdress over jeans and a very thick jumper. To be sure that people would still know she was a vampire, the jumper had a very large, pink bat on it. And as to guys, well, it was normal for a girl to dream about guys; she just wished the dreams could have involved chocolates and holding hands, not leaping out at someone, ripping off his shirt, and demanding to know what blood type he was (at least not on the first date).
Since the author of this unusual and humorous book is herself unusual and a bit off the charts, I am doing something a little different with this review. Of course, I mean that in the most loving way. You don't doubt me, do you, Mistress Amelia? I think it is necessary to give a brief account of how our Amy sees herself and her writing. This is borrowed from Amy's blog with some minor editing on my part. Clears throat!
The author, Amelia Mah, is a 20 something snarky, sarcastic and cynical author who has a very popular blog of how she sees the world from the point of view of a modern teenage vampire.Following the success of her first book, "FANGS RULE A Girls Guide to being a Vampire," she has now expanded the idea of life as a teenage vampire into a full novel. Amelia has given her avatar her own name so you can see the world first hand from a very bored teenage vampire that has been forced to remain a teenager for far too long. She may have very good teeth and the ability to hang from ceilings but life is far from easy.
Below you will find the full color illustrated version of Vampire by Amy Mah. The edition that I read was the first printing and was not illustrated. Since I love the new version, I have decided to share that with you.
Vampire
Amy Mah
Reardon Publishing
ISBN 9781874192619
This is not your typical vampire story where vampires are jumping in bed with humans or are entangled with werewolves for one reason or another. This is the story of a teenage vampire who is just trying to survive in her day to day existence. It is humorous and will make you laugh out loud when Amy is just being her own unique self. She has a way with words that is like no other. This book gives us insight as to how how Amy meets her boyfriend Max and becomes best friends with his sister Ice, who were introduced in her first book. Amy is so outrageous that you can't help fall in love with her. I'm sure she would have something to say about that... No matter! The book is a delight and if you are into the strange and unusual, you must get your copy and see for yourself. You better get a copy unless you want to hear from the author. She has her own version of bending you to her will. In all seriousness, get your copy, it is a great book.
Disclosure: I received a copy from the publisher for reviewing purposes.
Look just because the movies don’t show that Vampires have normal bodily functions it does not mean they don’t have them………… let me give you a hint a vampire bat after a meal goes off to use its bathroom ok so when visiting a bat cave don't look up!…..now then why do you think that after 8 pints of blood I would not like to do the same thing?
My trip to SE Asia this year gave me lots of problems ………..Not so much as finding a meal but how to get rid of it afterwards ………..just listen:
Your Panties are griped tightly in your hand and your skirt clenched between your teeth and they say this is a holiday!
There comes a time when you can no longer cross your legs and when a girls got to go a girls got to go ………….
How To Use a Squat Toilet
Mastering Squat Toilets: Toilet Paper Necklace -- Female Travel Underground
But when in SE Asia just try and keep your legs crossed a bit longer as the toilets are so not good news for a nice vampire girl brought up in the west ………..
I got myself a nice light long flowing cotton dress to try and keep cool in and also hide the heat lumps …………. No not heat rash but heat lumps ………anything over 2inch dia is a lump ………it is also red and itches like **** ……
Look I’m a vampire and so even with 100% sun block I still suffer from the sun………….. No I am not the sort that catch fire ! I’m the sort slowly turns into one giant heat lump ……..
Culture shock
The toilets are PRIMATIVE ………yes very primitive …… a concrete room with stalls and flies lots and lots of flies……er did I say lots of flies…….. Each stall has a hole in the ground ………which looks like an entrance to hell……..and the floor is wet very wet …….this is due to the hose pipe which is attached to a tap in the wall and which is constantly running ……………. No toilet paper ……………you use a water hose pipe and fingers to wash yourself !!!!! YES IT IS TRUE ! You stick a cold water hose pipe between your legs !!!
As to no toilet paper a lot of the stalls don’t have doors !!!
Yes I know I have a cute Butt …..Well I have been told…………. Mostly by men over 60 that wink when they say it ………yuck……and men with odd tattoos on building sites………. but at least it is noticed……. and I am used to putting my cute butt down on a seat ………………Of course I can squat …..I am female and all females can squat but ….well I have two legs but you don’t see me taking part in the Olympics!
Well the floor is soaking wet as I said very wet so I remove my panties……………. Yes well with my sense of balance it is best not to tie my knees together while squatting over a hole in a very wet floor, now is it! ………………
And I am wearing a long cotton dress ………….. and the floor is soaking wet …and I am hoping just from the hose pipe…………… soooooooooo how not to get the dress wet ?……… time is running out as I am getting so desperate I may even risk standing up but that could make the dress even wetter…………
I have a bright idea …..I grab the front of the dress, pull it up to my face and grip it between my teeth…………..
Thank god they don’t have CCTV ………………
So there I am A blood sucking Denizen of the night ergo A VAMPIRE ! squatting over a hole in the ground with my dress clenched between my teeth and my panties safely in my hands.
Then is the problem of working out how to use the hose pipe to clean yourself……………. How the heck was I to know that in a hot county the water was so ..so .so. very cold …………. And yes I discovered that by pointing it somewhere delicate !!!!!! ............. delicate and now dripping wet and very cold!!
I am sure such things should be banned under the UN as a torture technique ………..if you did not want to take a piss before you would now !!
And without tissue paper how do you dry yourself? ……………. Well you don’t ! ……….. you have just put a cold water hose pipe between your legs and you are now …..well ………..how can one put it …er……your personal rainforest is kinda dripping…..so I put my panties back on and …..yes before you ask it does feel like you have wet yourself..
Look I asked afterwards and I was told this is normal …NORMAL !!!!!!!!!! now just who would have put it about that it is normal to do that ! stick a hosepipe of cold water between your legs and then have to walk around like that …er damp……….you can’t even sit down for fear of leaving a damp patch.
Now this is why Vampires live in the West !!!!
Now if you plan to spend a long time in a wash room then why not take a book with you
The C String is a completely new and exciting innovation in lingerie.
Say goodbye to panty line and uncomfortable straps. Say hello to a sexy new
freedom.
The C String can be worn under all your favorite
clothes: •Dresses•Skirts•Jeans
The C String can also be worn alone: •Swimwear•Lingerie
C STRING THONG / STRAPLESS THONGS
Ok so they have been about for about 5 years and
I did not even know they existed let alone come in transparent plastic ..er
why?
As to also coming with fur …well that sounds
interesting ……… I have often wondered what I would look like as a blond.
No way am I going to dye that area of my body and
then wander into a saloon to ask for my roots to be done every few weeks.
Have I tried one …..er no I have not but if I
ever have to pose naked I would definitely invest in one with black fur …
Now if any of my readers have tried one please
leave a comment like what the heck does it feel like and can it drop off at a
time and place you did not want it to.
I think this one is a male version if not some one who wants to look like they are growing a forest !
No Panty Lines! No Tan Lines! The C String is a
completely new and exciting innovation in lingerie. Say goodbye to panty line
and uncomfortable straps. Say hello to a sexy new freedom. The C String is
designed similar to a headband. The front has a wide part to cover your private
area and the back side is thin to grip comfortably to your bottom. Your C
String is contoured to fit a women's body. Your private area is covered while
the panty grips you comfortably like a thong to stay in place. The C String can
be worn under all your favorite clothes: Like Dresses, Skirts, Jeans. The C
String can also be worn alone with Swimwear, Lingerie. It can be also wear under
sunless tanning bed and Brazilian Wax.
Say goodbye to panty lines and tan lines with
the amazing C-String Invisible Underwear.
These amazing panties have been made
to replace thongs and G-strings and provide a strapless approach to underwear
with more stability and coverage than a merkin.
They have been featured on television and are
perfect to wear under evening dresses or a special outfit to avoid the 'visible
thong' look, making your clothes look elegant and sophisticated. The range also
included matching bras so you can create a complete set of sexy lingerie.
C-String
Kiss goodbye to panty-lines and tan-lines with the incredible C-String
Invisible Underwear. A favourite with celebs, the C-String is a piece of lingerie with an internal wire frame that safely and comfortably fits the body with no irritating side straps.
Forget the G-string - can ANYONE wear the new
C-string?
A model shows off the
C-string
This is the stuff of nightmares. I am walking
down the road pushing a buggy when I have to bend down to pick up a dropped
toy.
A passing van driver leers at me and then beeps
his horn. But it?s not because of my blonde hair: it?s because I look as if I
forgot to put on any underwear that morning.
That?s what happens on my first day wearing the
"C-String", a bad dream in underwear form. According the promotional
blurb, it is "sexy, elegant and completely unique".
If you?re an ordinary-shaped person, that?s one
out of three, and it ain?t the first two.
The C-string consists of the front part of a
thong-style pair of knickers, held up with a little bit of wire at the back.
The idea is that you pop it on, and it stays put. Think of an unevenly shaped
wired headband, and you?re half-way there - the name derives from the C shape.
Then imagine wearing it on your bottom.
The manufacturers suggest that you wear it with
outfits that might show a panty line, or even as swimwear so that you don?t get
tan lines across your bottom.
Personally, I would rather go to the beach
wearing full ski-gear than wear a skimpy headband as a part of bikini bottoms.
But then, after two children, I feel racy wearing a coloured bra.
However, I have agreed to road test the C-string
for a week. I receive my consignment by post in a minute envelope. No extra
postage needed on this item. Then I dangle the C-string thoughtfully from my
finger. It doesn?t look big enough for a child?s bottom, never mind one
belonging to a decent-sized woman.
My two-year-old son Archie wanders into the
study and his eyes light up. "What?s that, Mummy?" he asks.
I?m momentarily stumped.
"It?s pants," I admit.
He giggles. "But where?s Noddy?" Ah.
Most pants in our house have Noddy on them.
"There?s no room for Noddy to live," I
explain.
He seems satisfied.
While the C-string consists of less material
than a gnat?s handkerchief, it is not easy to get on being so springy and
slight.
Once I have struggled into it I glance in the
mirror and am horrified. You need the limbs of Elle Macpherson to carry this
look off.
Thankfully my husband has gone to Spain for a few days with his
friends, so is unable to laugh at me - or be sick at the sight of his wife
looking like a lapdancer at 7am.
Dressed in hipster jeans I wander gingerly
downstairs. Already the pants are chafing. I rapidly realise that hipsters are
the wrong item of clothing for the C-string.
I take the children to the park and fall into
conversation with a pleasant-seeming couple with a child a little older than
Archie.
Our children smile shyly at each other and take
turns on the slide. And then Oscar, my youngest, falls down and I bend
over...an apparently underwear-free mother. The couple make their excuses and
leave the park quickly, glancing behind them as they leave.
My aunt comes to stay for the weekend, and I
show her my racy underwear. I tell her, quoting directly from the
manufacturers, that the C- string is: "Ideal for the beach or the
bedroom".
"Wouldn?t it be a bit uncomfortable to
sleep in?" she asks.
When I have stopped laughing we agree that
that?s undoubtedly not what they meant.
When my husband returns from his boys? weekend
away I canvass his opinion.
"I?m testing out a new pair of pants,"
I announce.
My husband doesn?t even look up from the telly,
where Jeremy Clarkson is telling him something about cars. I try again. Still
no response. He is really tired.
Then I announce: "They?re invisible."
The weary head whips round and the tired eyes pop open. Ha! Got him.
Unfortunately, when I show them to him he is faintly repelled.
The next day I drop Archie off at nursery and
grab my fellow mummy friend Zoe as she is scooting off.
"I need to ask you about my pants," I
hiss. She looks at the sample C- string I am holding - if I showed her in situ
I?d be arrested - and exclaims in horror "It?s awful. It must dig into
you!"
"Is it terribly painful?" she adds
sympathetically. I grimace bravely and hobble home.
My innate fear is of being carted off to
hospital in the wrong underwear, so I find myself driving particularly
carefully and crossing the road with extra caution. Any medic seeing my bottom
would be laughing too hard to carry out life-saving procedures.
On the fourth day I have to wear a skirt because
it?s so hot. As well as feeling vulnerable, I am absolutely terrified that my
pants are going to fall off. How will I explain as I scoop my C-string hastily
off the pavement?
But it stands fast, which relieves me, but
whenever a small child tugs at my skirt I feel it slipping inexorably down. You
can?t push away a one-year-old who has only just started to walk, so I solve
the problem by not leaving the house.
I am impressed to note that there is no apparent
panty line to ruin the line of my skirt, but again, I?m afraid I just look as
though I?m not wearing anything, which frankly looks worse.
However, when I try on an evening dress I am impressed.
Normally I can see the smallest of thongs, but with the C-string nothing is
visible, and the dress does look more elegant than usual.
I am nothing if not thorough. While there is no
way I am going to test out the C-string while sunbathing in our overlooked
London garden, I do have a shower wearing one to see if it would stand up to
the rigours of a swimming pool. The practical answer is yes, but the mirrors in
the bathroom say a firm "no".
A girls? night out seals the fate of my new
pants. A host of giggling and tipsy thirty-something friends confirm that
although they undoubtedly have a place in the drawers of the idle rich, size
eight, 20-year-old models, they don?t quite work in day-to-day life.
When it comes to underwear, I have always been willing to try
something a little out of the ordinary. Even before I was in my teens, I got
permission from my mother to wear thongs and G-Strings for underwear. Have
always loved the freedom of such brief attire under my other clothing and
besides it was kind of my own little secret.
A couple of years ago my boyfriend, who is very
creative, came up with a design for underwear without a waistband. It was for
all intents and purposes an under-wired G-String. He made up one for me and one
of my girl friends. When we tried wearing them they had a different feeling but
in no time we got used to them. As a result, he has made several more for each
of us and she and I wear them as underwear a lot of the time. They really do
disappear under clothing and they are very easy to put on and take off.
It took a little doing but we have now worked up
the nerve such that we have been known to wear them at public beaches that
permit thong swimwear. Wow do they get noticed and the comments from both men
and women have always complementary. Last year we even went a whole week
wearing nothing but under-wired thongs and pasties covering our nipples while
house boating at LakePowell. It is
so liberating to wear so little once you get over the initial "stage
fright."
Recently I discovered that the online lingerie
store called Honey Love as well as a couple of Ebay merchants are now selling
the same kind of garment under the name C-Strings. I have bought four pairs of
C-Strings, so far, in different colors and so has my friend. They are very well
made. They fit beautifully and stay in place very well and just cover the bare
necessities.
If you are used to wearing thong underwear or
swimwear you will find C-Strings very comfortable. Clearly they are a style
that some might not like but if you are willing to be a little daring and try
something a little different, I would recommend you try a C-String. I sure like
mine and I might add, so does my boyfriend.
OK so lets get back to something you really need to get and that is my new novel:
A self help guide by Amy Mah (Vampire) for teenage vampire girls, the guide is fully illustrated by manga Artist Heby and is written in an easy to follow A - Z format explaining everything a teenage vampire girl would need to know about living life as a modern Vampire. What is fashionable to wear when eating out? Fang maintenance & how to keep your claws sharp. Should you let a boy bite you on the first date? Easy to understand clear advice is given to every day problems Example: When you get an urge to bite: We all get those normal urges to bite things, and I must point out it is very normal, Claws are all well and good in a fight but a bite gives the extra advantage of getting a refreshing drink at the same time. Lots of girls worry about showing their Fangs in public believing that to show your fangs is rude, but don't be shy they can be a girls greatest asset (ok second greatest asset) if a boy is being rude to you, don't just snarl at him, just bite him! You are a vampire why do you think you have sharp teeth if not for sinking them into a boy that is being rude to you.
Today's world is difficult for everyone, especially teenagers. They face the stresses of school, deciding whom to date, and the biggie of sex, just to name a few. Imagine all of those things ten times worse, and you might get an idea of what it's like being a living, breathing teenage vampire. At last, the world can read about the life of a girl with good teeth, her problems with strong sunlight that gave her spots, and the sunblock that made her hair go yucky and produced more spots. Yes, sunlight was dangerous, as she could be the first teenager in history to die from terminal acne! In her everyday life, older vampires expected her to walk about at night in the traditional female uniform, a see-through, 18th-century nightdress, without undies! Well, this female vampire knew why the cold winds blowing along the corridors were called, "male winds," so she wore her see-through nightdress over jeans and a very thick jumper. To be sure that people would still know she was a vampire, the jumper had a very large, pink bat on it. And as to guys, well, it was normal for a girl to dream about guys; she just wished the dreams could have involved chocolates and holding hands, not leaping out at someone, ripping off his shirt, and demanding to know what blood type he was (at least not on the first date).
BAMBI
