Thursday, March 15, 2012

Having your pubic hair permed and Toilet Humour for Vampires

Toilet Humour for Vampires

I do so often worry that I am the only one to see the funny side of this strange world we live in.

Look as you know from my books and blogs

(Remember to always visit my lair at:

I am a Vampire Author and life is not all about biting people, no of course not it is all about Chocolate, anyway a human friend just invited me on a shopping trip, and what girl could say no to that, ok so it was going to be on the other side of the planet but heck so what its shopping therapy so its good for one. 

But as I have said on other visits to SE Asia the major problem this vampire girl has is the plumbing ….eeeech ….so of it is like so primitive.  

 Talk about peeing in a hole in the ground.

And well the ones with running water have running water everywhere, making ¾ pants not a fashion item but the only way you can stop walking about with wet jean legs, the floors are wet….no the floors are soaking wet…..  take a look at what the girls non Muslim girls wear and you will see it is shorts and a top.

Even the posh loos have the standard cold water hose pipe to stick between your legs instead of toilet tissue.

WARNING: Always carry a packet of tissues …..
No toilet tissues in the cubicle and unless you are the sort of girl that goes about cleaned shaven (not a good idea if you have Chinese fur that makes you feel like a cactus unless done daily) it means you get wet but no in a nice way.

Wet Fur = Wet Panties …………….Wet Panties = Damp patches when you sit down  

Look at the photo and tell me how you would be able to stick a orange hose pipe between your legs turn on the tap and not look to the world like you have failed to reach the toilet in time.

Heck waving a hose pipe about in a confined space it is lucky one does not end up with a wet bra as well as wet panties.

For the real posh we have a little pink hose pipe and flushing and very important a drain in the floor……

Yes you have guessed it the public ones do not always have floor drains which is why you have to paddle before you piddle.

Our first hotel was a shock

As the toilet had a control box and a little penis in the bowl, (well what would you call it?)and it should have come with a health warning unless you are the sort of girl that likes to be violated by a bathroom appliance  ….I'm Not! ....I had to film it …see the power of that water jet hit the door!!!

Yes I did try it out my mistake……..well how was I to know it would do that ! and it was aimed at a delicate part of my body and it  *!!#~** ing  HURT !!!!!!!  

I don’t know about others but I think it is a contraceptive device as there you are sitting comfortably thinking how cute the bellboy was that nearly got a hernia carrying your cases up and after the blood curdling scream you let out in discovering what the switch does believe me sex is no longer on your mind.

As we moved about the next hotel we tried had a supper looking WC

And came with instructions as it had its own moving penis ………yes it did !!!!!   yes it has a penis I kid you not take a look at the film I made and just guess where that little white pipe is travelling to… eeeeeeeeech 

Perhaps it is just me and this is normal but never in my wildest fantasies have I ever wanted such a personal encounter …..and the water was Sooooooo Frigging COLD !!!!!!!

Now I am told that some in Japan come with hot air blowers ........wow........... now that is better a hair drier for a different location on the body 

Ok Ok Ok why is it that it comes to my mind the idea of pubic hair styles can now include have a perm !! eck !!!!!!!!!

I am still trying to forget what I will need years of counselling to get over ...........

Ho yes to finish off please take a look at my vampire book film trailer and please buy a copy as I will need to stock up on lots of paper tissues before having another shopping trip in SE Asia.   

hi just to remind my readers that I do book features on my blog, book advertising is always so expensive so I offer a free service My blog has over 42,000 hits and a large following, am what I do is lots of book features as well as life as a teenage vampire. Send me a book cover pic, book blurb and details on where it can be purchased along with author details and photo etc........ any thing that will make it good reading and i will do a book feature on it. my email is: amymahvampire@aol.com  In return all I ask is that you help publicise my books in anyway you can such as also doing a feature on your blog on my books. 

A self help guide by Amy Mah (Vampire) for teenage vampire girls, the guide is fully illustrated by manga Artist Heby and is written in an easy to follow A - Z format explaining everything a teenage vampire girl would need to know about living life as a modern Vampire. What is fashionable to wear when eating out? Fang maintenance & how to keep your claws sharp. Should you let a boy bite you on the first date? Easy to understand clear advice is given to every day problems Example: When you get an urge to bite: We all get those normal urges to bite things, and I must point out it is very normal, Claws are all well and good in a fight but a bite gives the extra advantage of getting a refreshing drink at the same time. Lots of girls worry about showing their Fangs in public believing that to show your fangs is rude, but don't be shy they can be a girls greatest asset (ok second greatest asset) if a boy is being rude to you, don't just snarl at him, just bite him! You are a vampire why do you think you have sharp teeth if not for sinking them into a boy that is being rude to you.

Today's world is difficult for everyone, especially teenagers. They face the stresses of school, deciding whom to date, and the biggie of sex, just to name a few. Imagine all of those things ten times worse, and you might get an idea of what it's like being a living, breathing teenage vampire. At last, the world can read about the life of a girl with good teeth, her problems with strong sunlight that gave her spots, and the sunblock that made her hair go yucky and produced more spots. Yes, sunlight was dangerous, as she could be the first teenager in history to die from terminal acne! In her everyday life, older vampires expected her to walk about at night in the traditional female uniform, a see-through, 18th-century nightdress, without undies! Well, this female vampire knew why the cold winds blowing along the corridors were called, "male winds," so she wore her see-through nightdress over jeans and a very thick jumper. To be sure that people would still know she was a vampire, the jumper had a very large, pink bat on it. And as to guys, well, it was normal for a girl to dream about guys; she just wished the dreams could have involved chocolates and holding hands, not leaping out at someone, ripping off his shirt, and demanding to know what blood type he was (at least not on the first date).

Review of Vampire by Amy Mah

Since the author of this unusual and humorous book is herself unusual and a bit off the charts, I am doing something a little different with this review. Of course, I mean that in the most loving way. You don't doubt me, do you, Mistress Amelia? I think it is necessary to give a brief account of how our Amy sees herself and her writing. This is borrowed from Amy's blog with some minor editing on my part. Clears throat! 

The author, Amelia Mah, is a 20 something snarky, sarcastic and cynical author who has a very popular blog of how she sees the world from the point of view of a modern teenage vampire. Following the success of her first book, "FANGS RULE A Girls Guide to being a Vampire," she has now expanded the idea of life as a teenage vampire into a full novel. Amelia has given her avatar her own name so you can see the world first hand from a very bored teenage vampire that has been forced to remain a teenager for far too long. She may have very good teeth and the ability to hang from ceilings but life is far from easy.

Below you will find the full color illustrated version of Vampire by Amy Mah. The edition that I read was the first printing and was not illustrated. Since I love the new version, I have decided to share that with you. 

Amy Mah
Reardon Publishing
ISBN 9781874192619

   This is not your typical vampire story where vampires are jumping in bed with humans or are entangled with werewolves for one reason or another. This is the story of a teenage vampire who is just trying to survive in her day to day existence. It is humorous and will make you laugh out loud when  Amy is just being her own unique self. She has a way with words that is like no other. This book gives us insight as to how how Amy meets her boyfriend Max and becomes best friends with his sister Ice, who were introduced in her first book. Amy is so outrageous that you can't help fall in love with her. I'm sure she would have something to say about that... No matter! The book is a delight and if you are into the strange and unusual, you must get your copy and see for yourself. You better get a copy unless you want to hear from the author. She has her own version of bending you to her will. In all seriousness, get your copy, it is a great book.
    Disclosure: I received a copy from the publisher for reviewing purposes.

I give Vampire 5 out of 5 stars   

www.fangsrule.com/buy.htm and can be found on the amazon US and UK sites.


  1. BRIAN SAINT VAMPIRE CYRMarch 17, 2012 at 3:40 PM


  2. BRIAN SAINT VAMPIRE CYRMarch 17, 2012 at 3:43 PM


  3. Girl from Florida Pretends to be a Vampire...
    Watch the Video,