Amy Mah is a snarky, sarcastic and cynical author who writes of her life as a modern Vampire and whose books can be seen at: www.FangsRule.com or on Amazon her first book is self help guide called: Fangs Rule a girls guide to being a vampire from Reardon Publishing and is available as full colour paperback, Kindle; E Book. Amy also written VAMPIRE where you read of her problems of living her life as a blood chilling denizen of the night. Later this year her book on sexy Demons will be published
I may have said before but I am a full blood living vampire not some undead turnling which are the stars in Hollywood horror movies and are just blood drinkers.
I am a living vampire so meaning I can ravage an undercooked t-bone stake with fries along with the best of humans …. then followed by a chocolate blood shake, er…ok perhaps that is not on the menu of all food halls but you would be surprised as what can go with chocolate.
But food is not what I am going to be talking about today, no today is going to be about a girls personal rainforest so all you guys sneeking a read ……….get lost!
The turnlings like my maid are all undead vampire like they used to be human but have been turned into vampires and so frozen in time.
Cool er? Well yes if the girl had time to have her hair done before being turned as what it looked like before being turned is what you will have after being turned, fed up with your hair well cut it all off and well next day you will be back to looking like Mortisha again…………
This is why the horror films always show female vampires as such bitches, bad hair days can be forever.
Yes your turned vampire hair style is for (un) life.
OK I have gone a bit off track the thing is er… well … not just the maid head hair is fixed for (un) life but all hair is and some undeads after 200 years would give anything to go back to being human just long enough to pluck their armpits like imagine 200 years of prickly underarm hair!
And as to the hair a bit lower down well fashion in that also changes and what with having to wear the vampire see-through nightdresses some of the maids suffer and go for a daily wax.
Ok some do go to other extremes and create works or art with plating and little bells and ribbons.
You must all read my book: “FANGS RULE a girl’s guide to being a vampire” as it is all explained
But now you humans have gone and produced another new fashion item that is kinda weird when wearing see-through night dresses without undies .
With this new trend in body decoration our nest is suffering so much from bright colours we have got to wear sunglasses indoors !
It is bad enough with the maids that attach little bells below giving a whole new meaning to having a tinkle now they have a background of dayglow orange undergrowth the make the bells stand out !
Just how can they betaken seriously as death dealing denizens of the night when they have coloured pubes in Dayglow green or pink?
I did say that if you like what I blog about then i have a book full of this stuff
I am a Vampire Author and life is not all about biting people, no of course not it is all about Chocolate, anyway a human friend just invited me on a shopping trip, and what girl could say no to that, ok so it was going to be on the other side of the planet but heck so what its shopping therapy so its good for one.
But as I have said on other visits to SE Asia the major problem this vampire girl has is the plumbing ….eeeech ….so of it is like so primitive.
Talk about peeing in a hole in the ground.
And well the ones with running water have running water everywhere, making ¾ pants not a fashion item but the only way you can stop walking about with wet jean legs, the floors are wet….no the floors are soaking wet….. take a look at what the girls non Muslim girls wear and you will see it is shorts and a top.
Even the posh loos have the standard cold water hose pipe to stick between your legs instead of toilet tissue.
WARNING: Always carry a packet of tissues …..
No toilet tissues in the cubicle and unless you are the sort of girl that goes about cleaned shaven (not a good idea if you have Chinese fur that makes you feel like a cactus unless done daily) it means you get wet but no in a nice way.
Wet Fur = Wet Panties …………….Wet Panties = Damp patches when you sit down
Look at the photo and tell me how you would be able to stick a orange hose pipe between your legs turn on the tap and not look to the world like you have failed to reach the toilet in time.
Heck waving a hose pipe about in a confined space it is lucky one does not end up with a wet bra as well as wet panties.
For the real posh we have a little pink hose pipe and flushing and very important a drain in the floor……
Yes you have guessed it the public ones do not always have floor drains which is why you have to paddle before you piddle.
Our first hotel was a shock
As the toilet had a control box and a little penis in the bowl, (well what would you call it?)and it should have come with a health warning unless you are the sort of girl that likes to be violated by a bathroom appliance ….I'm Not! ....I had to film it …see the power of that water jet hit the door!!!
Yes I did try it out my mistake……..well how was I to know it would do that ! and it was aimed at a delicate part of my body and it *!!#~** ing HURT !!!!!!!
I don’t know about others but I think it is a contraceptive device as there you are sitting comfortably thinking how cute the bellboy was that nearly got a hernia carrying your cases up and after the blood curdling scream you let out in discovering what the switch does believe me sex is no longer on your mind.
As we moved about the next hotel we tried had a supper looking WC
And came with instructions as it had its own moving penis ………yes it did !!!!! yes it has a penis I kid you not take a look at the film I made and just guess where that little white pipe is travelling to… eeeeeeeeech
Perhaps it is just me and this is normal but never in my wildest fantasies have I ever wanted such a personal encounter …..and the water was Sooooooo Frigging COLD !!!!!!!
Now I am told that some in Japan come with hot air blowers ........wow........... now that is better a hair drier for a different location on the body
Ok Ok Ok why is it that it comes to my mind the idea of pubic hair styles can now include have a perm !! eck !!!!!!!!!
I am still trying to forget what I will need years of counselling to get over ...........
Ho yes to finish off please take a look at my vampire book film trailer and please buy a copy as I will need to stock up on lots of paper tissues before having another shopping trip in SE Asia.
hi just to remind my readers that I do book features on my blog, book advertising is always so expensive so I offer a free service My blog has over 42,000 hits and a large following, am what I do is lots of book features as well as life as a teenage vampire. Send me a book cover pic, book blurb and details on where it can be purchased along with author details and photo etc........ any thing that will make it good reading and i will do a book feature on it. my email is: amymahvampire@aol.com In return all I ask is that you help publicise my books in anyway you can such as also doing a feature on your blog on my books.
A self help guide by Amy Mah (Vampire) for teenage vampire girls, the guide is fully illustrated by manga Artist Heby and is written in an easy to follow A - Z format explaining everything a teenage vampire girl would need to know about living life as a modern Vampire. What is fashionable to wear when eating out? Fang maintenance & how to keep your claws sharp. Should you let a boy bite you on the first date? Easy to understand clear advice is given to every day problems Example: When you get an urge to bite: We all get those normal urges to bite things, and I must point out it is very normal, Claws are all well and good in a fight but a bite gives the extra advantage of getting a refreshing drink at the same time. Lots of girls worry about showing their Fangs in public believing that to show your fangs is rude, but don't be shy they can be a girls greatest asset (ok second greatest asset) if a boy is being rude to you, don't just snarl at him, just bite him! You are a vampire why do you think you have sharp teeth if not for sinking them into a boy that is being rude to you.
Today's world is difficult for everyone, especially teenagers. They face the stresses of school, deciding whom to date, and the biggie of sex, just to name a few. Imagine all of those things ten times worse, and you might get an idea of what it's like being a living, breathing teenage vampire. At last, the world can read about the life of a girl with good teeth, her problems with strong sunlight that gave her spots, and the sunblock that made her hair go yucky and produced more spots. Yes, sunlight was dangerous, as she could be the first teenager in history to die from terminal acne! In her everyday life, older vampires expected her to walk about at night in the traditional female uniform, a see-through, 18th-century nightdress, without undies! Well, this female vampire knew why the cold winds blowing along the corridors were called, "male winds," so she wore her see-through nightdress over jeans and a very thick jumper. To be sure that people would still know she was a vampire, the jumper had a very large, pink bat on it. And as to guys, well, it was normal for a girl to dream about guys; she just wished the dreams could have involved chocolates and holding hands, not leaping out at someone, ripping off his shirt, and demanding to know what blood type he was (at least not on the first date).
Since the author of this unusual and humorous book is herself unusual and a bit off the charts, I am doing something a little different with this review. Of course, I mean that in the most loving way. You don't doubt me, do you, Mistress Amelia? I think it is necessary to give a brief account of how our Amy sees herself and her writing. This is borrowed from Amy's blog with some minor editing on my part. Clears throat!
The author, Amelia Mah, is a 20 something snarky, sarcastic and cynical author who has a very popular blog of how she sees the world from the point of view of a modern teenage vampire.Following the success of her first book, "FANGS RULE A Girls Guide to being a Vampire," she has now expanded the idea of life as a teenage vampire into a full novel. Amelia has given her avatar her own name so you can see the world first hand from a very bored teenage vampire that has been forced to remain a teenager for far too long. She may have very good teeth and the ability to hang from ceilings but life is far from easy.
Below you will find the full color illustrated version of Vampire by Amy Mah. The edition that I read was the first printing and was not illustrated. Since I love the new version, I have decided to share that with you.
Vampire
Amy Mah
Reardon Publishing
ISBN 9781874192619
This is not your typical vampire story where vampires are jumping in bed with humans or are entangled with werewolves for one reason or another. This is the story of a teenage vampire who is just trying to survive in her day to day existence. It is humorous and will make you laugh out loud when Amy is just being her own unique self. She has a way with words that is like no other. This book gives us insight as to how how Amy meets her boyfriend Max and becomes best friends with his sister Ice, who were introduced in her first book. Amy is so outrageous that you can't help fall in love with her. I'm sure she would have something to say about that... No matter! The book is a delight and if you are into the strange and unusual, you must get your copy and see for yourself. You better get a copy unless you want to hear from the author. She has her own version of bending you to her will. In all seriousness, get your copy, it is a great book.
Disclosure: I received a copy from the publisher for reviewing purposes.
My friend ICE is not speaking to me and it is her own fault…….. ok well I did bite her……….and yes I did bite her hard and deep….. but ……. it has now stopped bleeding ………..hasn’t it? ……….. and I am sure the bite marks will fade away in a few days!
But it is her own fault!!! ………………….. you can not do that to a fellow girl and not expect to get bitten ……..she was only bleeding ……….. I was the one rolling around the floor naked while trying to pour a glass of cold water between my legs!
It all started because of the maid party……………. Er …….we have vampire maids as I said before…….undead …..Turned human girls…………… Ex Sex pets to male Vamps …………. Males with their pick up line of…………… .
”if you sleep with me I will make you immortal”………………..
Sooooo corny…………. They will just do anything to get a girl into bed! ……and sleeping with your lunch I think is a bit perverted if you ask me!
Anyway it is the maid’s party and it usually goes on for about 3 days ……first it is cake and balloons ….. Sometimes even a juggling act……………….. Then it is followed by all night dancing ………………….. by the second day as the last balloon has been playfully popped by the Males …the orgy starts and it is a free for all as the Male vampires …….The Males who I may say are shattered by spending hours trying to speed the start of the orgy by helping pop three thousand balloons! Fall on them on mass …………. Yuck and so messy to clean up afterwards.
Anyway Bambi my maid looked fantastic in her short black dress without bra or panties………yes I know ……..but what can one say it is her day off…………
All maids look fantastic as they were all once sex pets for the males so it is quite intimidation to see so many gorgeous girls heading to the orgy…….that is why Ice and her sister were having a sleepover with me and no it is not lesbian if it is three girls or more …..er ……..well …………. I googled it to make sure.
The Maids have all remembered what their Moms had said about how to walk sexy ……….you know….…..one foot in front of the other as if you were wearing a pencil skirt so that was it makes your butt wobble from side to side in a firm and attractive way……….. You do not …and I say not ever ….walk with your legs apart as if you are still wearing diapers!!!!
Well because we are all left maid less we team up for sleepovers and that is why ICE is not speaking to me.
Did you know of the most painful things to have done to a male or female?
Well males can say it is being struck in their naked butt with a pitch fork by the farmer as they were trying to explain to the farmer’s daughter how immortality is obtained.
No the truth is and no male will own up to this and that is getting their Dick stuck in the zip of their trousers …..by ………er zipping up in too much of a hurry!.... any girl who has got material trapped in a zip knows the problem of having to use a pair of scissors to free the zip……..well it seems that guys for some unknown reason are very reluctant to free themselves with the simple help of scissors …no they prefer the bend forward and pray for Devine help ……… and you can often hear them call out to god in a very load voice ………..often followed by lots of swear words……….
I do believe that this was why some religions added the rule of circumcision into their membership. ……………………
Now for girls …..well we are told ….childbirth is the most painful thing to happen to us…………… er………...not true………….. Hormones, drugs and a couple of bottles of celebratory champagne soon takes the memory of the pain away………..
No…………… it is what ICE did to me!.........that was the most painful thing a girl could to another girl………!!!!!!!!
It was all because I had told everyone about my great expanse of personal rainforest………….. (pubic hair) that ICE and her sister said they would lend a hand to help me with this problem……….. Foolishly I agreed.
I mean what are friends for than to rummage through your undergrowth in a non sexual way…………….. so yes it was embarrassing ………but why ……… o ……..why did Ice have to listen to her brother and borrow his aftershave to use on me………..
Now listen to me ……..if anyone ever ……..and I mean ever …………. Offers to pour men’s aftershave on your newly shaved and baby smooth ex rainforest ……………………………… SAY NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I still say ICE was very lucky that all I did was bite her ………..if I could only have stood up afterwards I would have really hurt her!
Ok Ok it is winter I should not have to worry about it!
This is the time of year when a girl can grow her very own fur coat to keep warm and no one notices ………….
(If u have not guessed, I am talking about pruning one's own personal rainforest…………er ………….. a girl's garden …………….If u don’t understand ……….well just go play with your stuffed bats until you are older….ok)
and ....well…………………it would have been fine if a friend had not invited me to go swimming then …….hmg…………..I noticed just how wild it had gone ………….. I mean there is slightly in need of a trim and there is the stage where people stare at u when u change! ………I mean it took so long in trying to tuck the straggles away that people thought I was playing with myself……….. then it looked like I had stuffed a sock in the bottom bit of the swimming costume ………so this must be why men don’t bother removing their undergrowth………….. and……… well some Guys really do need the help of stuffing a sock in their swimming shorts when there is cold water to swim in……………… er ……… yes Guys we do notice …….hehehehe
I am a living breathing vampire a full blood alpha female, and I feel sorry for my vampire maid BAMBI, being turned ……..UNDEAD ……….. the type of female vampire human males dream of having sex with, as they never age and always look like they did the day they died ……………. Er ……… Guys I think that is called Necrophilia …………. Look it up you perverts!.............
Bambi died and got turned way back in the dark ages …..during the 1970s I think ……….. like most of the undead vampire girls she does not bother with panties …or in fact any underwear……… She believes the propaganda that Hollywood puts out .silly girl………. Yes no underwear …..Er..well no bodily functions so why bother.....and so she would look supper sexy all the time ……….. if she had only been prepared to be turned…………. She was not as you can see from her hair style.....see my website.......www.fangsrule.com ………….. being Undead your body is fixed at the moment you are turned, so you have the same hairstyle no mater what the fashion is and I must have told you of the number of times I have seen maids take a knife and cut off all their hair only to have it grow back at the first taste of blood.
So vampires from her time have wonderful examples of undergrowth, I have noticed that some of the more fashionable ones do them as Afros or as a pony tail and the more adventurous ones attach coloured beads……….you may ask how I know this ……..er…well they all like wearing very short shirts and ………..well you can't help but notice ………...especially when the beads are in day glow orange and green!
No point in them attempting to have ……... A landing strip……. Er …….. Mahican and they can only dream of a Hollywood or Brazilian.
Where as I am a living vampire and so could do all that if I wanted to.....but er….No……… just because it is fashionable nowadays to be on all fours …like a dog………while some stranger pours hot wax on you………….. Yes HOT WAX!!!! And …….yes that is near ….er..very near the most sensitive parts of the body!!! look we are vampires ….not ……..perverted masochists !
Well if my boyfriend wants me to go through that kind of humiliation he can darn well go first show me the results and then perhaps I may think about it!....but only think about it!
Bikini line…crap why not make the bikinis bigger! ………….. look if you just left it to grow………. you could go to the beach without a bikini bottom and with your natural wild female rainforest ……….. well it will normally cover a larger area than any of the micro bikini’s that look more like a colored piece or cord between your legs ………….. and as to covering anything........ well…………. What do you think dental floss can hide ………when we are talking about girl’s bits and private places.
You can even get a tattoo to help with your body topiary art ………..this is a real tattoo! ……….no it is not mine!
Just because I am a vampire it does not mean I don’t do girl shopping and now with 24hr shopping vampires can join in searching for bargains in the new year sales during the hours of darkness.
Took my maid BAMBI with me as I and still not allowed out un chaperoned, I have told you about her before she is a turnling ……….ex-human ……….. like shes Undead ok what humans think all vampire are, fangs and boobs……….. never ageing and with a hair style that stays looking perfect even in a force 10 gale…. Makes you sick don’t it............... er well nearly .......... You have the same hairstyle as on the day you died and Bambi ........... well Bambi was gonig to have her hair done the next day.............. er .............too late.......... her picture is below:
Why called Bambi? …….well she says it was because she was conceived during a Walt Disney film of the same name in a drive in theatre and who am I to question that, if it has to be anywhere then during a drive in Walt Disney film is as good a time and place as any.
Any way she loves going shopping as it means freedom from the nest for a few hours, plus she like the way I leave my purse on full display on top of the shopping waiting for some guy to snatch it and run off…………….. it is always so much fun to build up an appetite chasing ones lunch and I let her join in, it is a rush as we cant be seen eating in public so we both spend the rest of the time shopping trying not to burp.
Thinking of things as we shop took my mind to a gift I had recently from my Aunt……. As I was complaining about all my underwear having small pink bats on them she got me a pack of something called Collage Girl Specials…………….. A pack of 5 panties with days of the week on them …………….. Er…………. Why five? ……….what am I to do on Saturday and Sunday!!!…………….
As to why have days of the week on them………...What is the point? ……….. if I don’t know what day it is I will ask someone and not life up my skirt to check !!!!!!!!!
If the manufactures wanted to be really helpful then they would print numbers and do a pack of 31 as knowing days of the month is far more useful to a girl than knowing days of the week! …………
