Amy Mah is a snarky, sarcastic and cynical author who writes of her life as a modern Vampire and whose books can be seen at: www.FangsRule.com or on Amazon her first book is self help guide called: Fangs Rule a girls guide to being a vampire from Reardon Publishing and is available as full colour paperback, Kindle; E Book. Amy also written VAMPIRE where you read of her problems of living her life as a blood chilling denizen of the night. Later this year her book on sexy Demons will be published
Today's world is difficult for everyone, especially teenagers. They face the stresses of school, deciding whom to date, and the biggie of sex, just to name a few. Imagine all of those things ten times worse, and you might get an idea of what it's like being a living, breathing teenage vampire. At last, the world can read about the life of a girl with good teeth, her problems with strong sunlight that gave her spots, and the sunblock that made her hair go yucky and produced more spots. Yes, sunlight was dangerous, as she could be the first teenager in history to die from terminal acne! In her everyday life, older vampires expected her to walk about at night in the traditional female uniform, a see-through, 18th-century nightdress, without undies! Well, this female vampire knew why the cold winds blowing along the corridors were called, "male winds," so she wore her see-through nightdress over jeans and a very thick jumper. To be sure that people would still know she was a vampire, the jumper had a very large, pink bat on it. And as to guys, well, it was normal for a girl to dream about guys; she just wished the dreams could have involved chocolates and holding hands, not leaping out at someone, ripping off his shirt, and demanding to know what blood type he was (at least not on the first date).
Amy Mah brilliantly sums up a teenager's unfair, unlucky, and incredibly awkward life: "For some reason boys are fascinated with boobs, and with plastic surgery so easily available nowadays I don't see why they don't get their own..." -- so why is it that they like ours so much -___- Us girls don't obsess over their weenies like that.
"[Blooding] is the when quality time is spent with your dad, no longer, in which he no longer is the old-fashioned monster of a male that storms into your bedroom without knocking while you're changing and demanding that you apologize to your mother for something that she is shouting at him about." -- the story of my family in one sentence.
"If your boyfriend suddenly decides to go commando, just tell him he looks untidy. A boy standing still naked is okay, but as soon as he walks about, not all his bits move at the same pace, and it is more amusing-looking than sexy. You may have heard of girls swooning (fainting) when seeing a boy naked, but I expect this was just an excuse to stop from pointing at them and getting into a fit of giggles over what they see." -- I reckon so too! LOL
"Remember that it is normal to turn the head slightly when you kiss. Nine times out of ten it will be to the right, which of course means that the first time you kiss a boy, he'll be the one out of ten sort, and you'll knock noses." -- in every kiss you have as a teenager, he will be the one out of ten sort. It soon shall pass.
"There's a truth in the old saying: 'Go to bed with a stranger and wake up with a friend.'" -- well I never! This puts a whole new perspective on the concept of sleeping with the enemy. So forbidden (hot).
OK I know it is a bit personal but you have to admit it, we all have one because we are Female, Guys have something different that says look I am a boy but we girls all have something hidden under our panties that says we are Female and can breed.
Well so it’s kinda personal and we all know they may all look slightly different in shape and size not that anyone would know unless we remove our panties and normally by that stage in a relationship with a guy he has long gone past caring what it looks like.
And yes it is not easy to see due to its location, but you just need to use a mirror to see it.
Yes being a female vampire the family brand is located on either your left or right hip and tells the world you are a girl and what family owns you and what rank you are in the Nest.
Of course once you rise up in status or are high born then you have a band of gold burnt in around it to let everyone know that you are an Alpha, and I mean to say who had the bright idea of stating the brand location to be on a hip ............ now what girl would ever want to drop her panties to prove she of high status ! ............er................ ok .................Lots of human A class Celebrities................ and well on a Saturday night some human girls just don't need an excuse to drop their panties !
If life was fair then you would have your family brand on your shoulder, but ho no .................some pervert of a male long ago decided that having it on the hip is the best place to show it off............
Family brands can be so tacky looking, mine looks like a pink bat like and just who would come up with having a bat as a secret family sign, and what’s so secret about a family sign when you’re Aunt buys you a jumper designed with a large pink bat across your chest.
As to being Secret! Everyone knows us as the Pink Bat Family! I have pink bat earrings I even have little pink bats on my underwear! What does my Aunt think I am, Five!?
Girls sleeping with girls .!!!!!! Sleeping with a girl for the first time.
I promised to let you have all the details of my trip to Asia and well ……………..one of the most embarrassing things happened at night.
HMG well I never thought I would find myself sleeping with another girl I mean like together not just in the same room but in the same bed and then discover she had roving hands !!! and it was no where as exciting as when guys talk about what happens………
God this is so embarrassing to say ….well ………… there is a first time for everything ……. Forget the worry about the embarrassment of being a girl trying to buy condoms in a shop just remember to buy ear plugs ……………… heck did she snore!
Guys are always so interested to know what goes on when two girls sleep together, (perverts !!!!) ……well anyway I will tell you ! …………. It was well kinda .er…….different ……...and well I did not do anything much myself………….
As to what strange urges happen well it is true I did get some strange urges when her hand slowly moved up my leg ……….. The urge was to try and sneak away and get a hotel room………. On my own !!!
It was not that I even knew her ……..well…ok……. she is a cousin ………… and she seamed to take a liking to me during the day ……..but liking each other as cousins means shopping together and perhaps sharing an ice cream in the mall ………… moving into my bed on the pretence that the aircon was too powerful and she was cold…………. Well that is something I would have expected more from a guy…….
All I had on were sleeping panties and a tee …………. All she had on was a tee ……… and it was a shock when she put a hand on my upper thighs and even more of a shock when she pushed her face into my boobs……giving out a little giggle…. What am I a pillow !! ……….heck…….I just hoped she was not going to bite !………. The only way I could stop her from getting ever more intimate was to hug her …………and so that is what I ended up doing until she fell asleep, then I discovered that I was now trapped in the bed with miss roving hands ……….. Could not move without waking her and so that was my first time sleeping with a girl………
Er………..perhaps I should point out that my cousin is 6 years old and her mother was sleeping the other side of the room in another bed with my cousins two other sisters ………
Well even at that young age I still think her morals are very poor to sleep with someone just because I shared an ice cream with her …………….
I had to hug her all night ! every time I stopped she started to fidget ………… God I have had boyfriends that have needed less physical attention.
OK you humans are so odd ………….like what has the poor chicken ever done to upset all your Deities of today?
Well not so much upset as picked upon, you get all sorts of rules on what animals you can not eat as they are either unclean or holy … be it pigs…..cows……..shell fish…….snakes…….things that crawl on their belly ……….and even flies……………ok the fly one did take me by surprise and I got it from a documentary of religion ………
Along with what foot to use going into a toilet ……….. And with my experience of Asian toilets …….Well I rather not use either foot and just cross my legs…………… Look just what god is so bored that he is going to watch what foot I use to enter a toilet? And if he ………yes it is always a he ……… then wants to watch me take a piss !!! there must be rules for the correct way to do that as well ……….then that is one sure way to get himself an unholy reputation.
But back to the poor chicken, it should be born wearing a tee shirt saying EAT ME !!
See the gods pick on it and it is so unfair! ……..Like what has it done to upset the gods so much? …………… Thou shalt not eat swine as they are unclean……….. But chicken is ok and so at the same time please sacrifice one for me with extra BBQ sauce ……… as last time in was a bit tasteless …………..well just tasted a bit like chicken………….. ho yes and do it as a sacrificial take out so I can eat while watching the toilets………………
Well of course you humans all have it wrong ……………we vampires have the true god and we have holy books to prove it !
God loves us so much he ……..yes it is always a he……… like why ?………..
Has given us an ever expanding supply of food, which breeds faster than we can cull it ……………… er…………..yes I did say cull……… we are not the ones destroying the planet by over population.
Now stop complaining to me ……… It’s nothing to do with me …….. It is all written down in the holy book so has to be true ! …..God would not have let it be printed if it was not true …ergo ………. Look I can show you the page !
We are at the top of the food chain so ……….er……………ok along with cockroaches and some types of virus ………but we are the favoured ones not you ……………..Again just read our holy book and you will soon know your place …………….
Just listen to the holy words………….. And I will make your food bountiful as you are the chosen ones ………..
See !................ what did I tell you…………..
It is full of stuff like that …………………… mind you not so happy with sections in the holy book like this………….
It is the female’s duty to raise her tail upon a males lawful needs and be submissive when the male wishes to use her body as that is good and holy …………….
Ho well if god says so ……….sigh ……….. What can a female vampire do ?………………
Mind you I do worry about some of the foot notes and think some male could have added them without god’s permission like it does not sound so godly when a footnote says………..
And she shall make appreciative sounds when he uses her body and not complain if he fails to satisfy her or points out to him that 1 min 45 seconds was not worth her raising the tail for,it is her holy duty and besides he probably had a hard day at the office and nothing at all to do with the hot new secretary he has just turned.
But there you have it ………just a normal holy book.
Ho yes and we are also allowed to eat chicken …….but no tree frogs at a full moon ………….. And yes I have never eaten a tree frog at full moon as I am a good religious little vampire.
And lastly being a good little vampire girl I could not stop you requesting that I raise my tail to you as is my duty …..but I should point out that if you ask such a thing my Uncle has also read the holy book and says he found a section giving him every right to strip you naked, cover you in honey and then stick your head deep into an ants nest ……………
I’m sorry but I thought I should warn you my uncle is very devout at times.
About my blog .......if anyone wants to know it is all true .......about which foot to use stepping in to a toilet ………....er ………..its the left..........and you must also spit out a fly which goes in the mouth ..... ho yes and it is also sinful for a female to pee standing ........... God only designed male to do that...... huh ......I wish he also designed a male that puts down the toilet seat after using it....................
So does God watch you take a piss .......er..........just to make sure you sit down? .............. and would you really want to worship a god that watches girls take a piss? ....................
How about a god that hangs about toilets seeing what foot you use to go in ? ................ er……………is this just me or is someone making stuff up in the holy books? ...................... God i am a good girl and I sit down to piss and don’t eat flies…....now can I go to heaven?......
Now to as where people read my blogs ……. Yes I can see you ! …………. USA is always East and West Coast ……..a lot in San Francisco …………. So my humour must be democratic …and not republican ………………
Lots in Europe ………hi to my German fans !!
None in China …….am I blocked? …………………….. but little hot spots all over the Muslim world….expats?…………… or am I used as a warning in schoolsfor males not to listen to females ………………
Hi spring is here ………….so ……….all good vampire girls take a look inside the wardrobes to see what can look good when the weather gets better for an innocent (cough, cough ) walk in the night air.…………so having a look at my bullet proof vest ……or should I use the correct term Body armour………...yes of course I have one !!!!! …….silly!...............a girl has got to be prepared hasn’t she………….
No it is not like the big things you see on TV that say CNN along with the words Press on them in large letter just so people from Fox News know who to shoot at……(a joke before they sue me) …. When they say they fight for the stories it is True!!
The press ones look so thick they could stop a tank shell and makes the reporter look fat ……..they come in media camouflage colours which means Black with large letters in white saying TV ………..PRESS ……………..So if a rival new company does not get you then it will be the government troops or rebel forces that will.
Mine is unisex and I got it before I found out about wearing sexy Helsing underwear ………….. er……….. Want to know about my underwear? ……….hhehehehehe …………. Then you should have read my book! …..some of it is illustrated ….heheheehehe
It is unisex and white and fits under the clothes ……….. White …..ok so its brilliant white… my idea is that you can take it off and wave it to surrender ………but no they say it is to make it not noticeable ! ..NOT NOTICEABLE !!!! well if you were wearing an overcoat then maybe ……….. but it is big thick and flattens ones boobs, not hard to do in my case but still, so extremely flattening but not in a nice way………….. It is held on with Velcro’s straps and buckles, the inner layer is breathable with lots of holes to stop one sweating in it………….
Sorry my Aunt always says girls do not sweat ………….. Horses sweat ………Men perspire and Women glow……………. So when I try it on in the summer I am glowing like a Horse………….. er………………the armour plating comes out via zip pockets and you can wash the jacket on a low setting if it gets too smelly.
And just because it says Designed for Comfort on it does not mean it is ……and besides if I wanted something designed for comfort it would be a bra and not body armour!……to put it on it goes over the head and the straps tie it together …………….okok .so once it is on its ok…………. It’s just that I no longer look like a girl …if I was a little flat before…..I am now very FLAT …far flatter than any sports bra and without the advantage of looking like you are at least trying to get fit.
FBI agents may be able to put a jacket over it but I suggest a jumper that way you can try and put a tissue stuffed bra over it to give you back some sort of famine shape………….. er………. it is heavy ……… the weight is taken by the shoulders but it is still heavy .
I am told it is good against knife attacks and can take up to a 9mm bullet………. Huh as it I’m going to test it out by standing anywhere some is shooting at me ! …………… it may not be comfy but heck you try sticking a stake in me and you will soon discover that this girl is one smart cookie ………………
Humans are so stupid at times ………look we have seen all the horror films just like you have …………..and we know about how you want to kill us …………..
Hell he will have one silly look on his face after trying to stake me! …………..
er………well not for long as the mention of stake always makes me hungry…………..and ho just look I have now found my evening meal standing in front of me with a blunt stake and a silly look!
…………………. Human = Stupid ………………..
Want to see Panties with bite? then look at this:.
Do you know how hard it is to buy panties with bats on them!
Yes I did try eBay and well I can have a pair of batgirl panties but that is not what I want.
Cheap White Cotton with a single Bat logo on the front in black…….should be easy to get er? ….well no way ……………. I have searched ………….
Ok before you ask why tell me tell you ………I had this idea ………shut up ……..I do have them at times………………… My book has just come out and as it is a vampire book I thought of selling a pair of bat panties to go with the book …………… but no panties so that idea is out ……..sigh………………
I have to find away to make money all my readers …..er…………..that is you ……… and you are very slow when parting with money and buying my book.
If it had worked I could have charged extra if a customer wanted me to put them on first ……………. Yes I know it sounds perverted …………. But hell I could save on my weekly wash …………. And it is not my perversion ………. And it is something already done in the East where companies sell worn panties to appreciative male clients …………. Now don’t ask me why ……… perhaps they have a wee fetish.
Don’t believe me? ……….well just put in the words ……..worn panties ……… into google and see what you get !!!!
So my books are now going on sale panty free or should I say panty less …………….
But if you ask nicely I may sign it for you……….
It will be slowly turning up on Amazon all around the world and I have has a nice box of them arrive this afternoon.
Yes so excited…………….. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ……….. my lovely publisher delivered them in person ……………….. so I throw off my clothes and gave myself to him on the door step ……er………….. ok so I exaggerate ………I did give him a kiss…………. Er it was on his cheek ……….so no tongues before you ask ………….. and no I did not bite him !!!!.......huh…………. I had only just eaten……………..
SOoooooooooooooooooooooo excited !!!!!!!!!!! ….I want to run naked down the street !!!!!!!! …..ok, ok, ok, ok, its March so I will wear a hat ok…………..but I am sure the looks will keep me warm!!
Being Female wearing a cotton dress and standing over a fan …………………
You know it is strange and I have no idea why but about once a month I have second thoughts about being female …………………
Look I have given it a go ………. I did all the puberty stuff which some god should be taken to court over and charged with child abuse …..huh….normal ……….. half the stuff they say is normal with what goes on with a female body has to be some god having a laugh.
All I say to guys reading this is just be grateful we wash our hands ! …………. And yes chocolate is a normal daily food need!
So girls stop worrying 99 % of the strange stuff that goes on inside is normal ………..the one percent is when you tell a girlfriend something and she runs away screaming ………. …………. well that’s another story………..true………but I will save that for later.
As to Hormones ………. well if not mastered then I do have a non aggression pact with them for 3 weeks out of 4 ……….
This feeling of needing to change gender does not last long as normally I am happy doing female stuff ….like only this morning I savaged the postman for failing to bring my book sample ………… yes I know they have not posted it yet ………….. but hell one of the nice things about being female is that no one expects you to act logically ………….he failed to bring me my sample book that they have no yet posted so I bite him…well ..he is male …….he must have done something to deserve being bitten or I would not bitten him now would I ………………… yes female logic can me fun at times…………….
And if I was not female I could not have got away buying a nice light cotton dress and standing over a fan pretending to be Marilyn Manro ……………yes I did and it was while I was over in Asia and ………….. it was just as much fun as when I used to do it as a child …………….ok …..ok ………so I am a little old for doing that now……and perhaps home would have been a better place to do it……….and yes I did get comments from the other shoppers…….….but hell on a hot sticky day in Asia that sort of breeze reaches parts that an ordinary hand held fan dos not reach………and well it gets hot down there just the same as the rest of the body!… yes one day I will get around to tell you all about my trip and the weird stuff that went on ……………….. believe me when I say I never ever want to see another water hose pipe let alone stick it between my legs ………………
I never know when I start writing what will turn up on the page so lets start…………..
May as well get down to basics today……….something ……basic……. Well…
I was just chatting to a cute little vamp on FangBook today and she was complaining that her master hurts when he bites her.
So I told her to stop complaining as he is only showing his love to you …..And it is very normal for a male to get a little carried away as they are not too bright when it comes to romance and foreplay …………..
You in turn must also show you care for him ………..the best way is for him to be able to remember you when he is away from the nest so he should always have something personal of yours with him ………….. perhaps some old panties you were just putting our to wash ………put these in the top pocket of his suit ..Instead of a handkerchief …….so at meeting when he take it out he will remember you …
And as you remember his loving bites it goes without saying you should always piss in and over all his shoes, that way it should bring back to him happy memories of biting you the night before.
No of course he won’t mind as you are only showing him you care, and if he cares for you then he will not mind others knowing you have marked him.
If he does complain then it may mean the he does not wish other females to know he has been marked …………….. He may even try and clean your scent off ……this is rude of him, yes! Extremely rude !………
………… in which case you are in your rights to remark him ………..I suggest with something heavy and possibly made of lead …………… the normal time for this is just as he is dropping off to sleep …………….. this can be done several times during the night or over several night.
I find the nights best to do this are the ones when you are visiting your parents ………….
As your loving Male can see how fond your parents are of each other ……and how they make such a fine marriage……….. the funny little comments your Daddy makes over dinner……………….. Always the same but still funny …………… “If you ever make my little girl unhappy I will rip your balls off and then force you to eat them!”………..
Ho how we all laugh at that …………… along with how he staked my first boyfriend …..for putting his hand up my skirt……… hehehe ………….. And my cousin with the roving hands has never walked the same after Daddy had a little word with him…………… and he also does quite well having just one arm…..ho I do so love visiting my folks……….
If you like my writing take a look at my book: .Fangs Rule
