Do you want to kill a recorded voice ? Secret call centre codes that could help

Save Money

Save Time

Secret call centre codes that could save £100m

Amy Mah 

Nigel Clarke, a frustrated IT manager, spent seven years preparing for a one-man crusade against call centres. He was sick of hanging on the phone, listening to recorded messages telling him which button to press, so he started researching these menus, and discovering the secret codes to bypass them.

His secrets have been revealed, and could save us an estimated £100 million.

The secret

Clarke calls himself a "call centre menu enthusiast". He has sent the last seven years making more than 12,000 calls to the automated phone services of hundreds of companies, and cataloging the options.

He says the worst call centres have more than 80 options in their phone menus with up to 7 levels of menu. He says: "Some might say this is the modern equivalent of Dante's circles of hell." One example is HMRC, where it can take up to 6 minutes just to get through the menus before a joining a queue for someone to actually answer the phone As one of the UK's busiest call centres, they receive 79 million calls per year. That means each year, callers to the taxman spend 4.3 million working hours just navigating menus.

He is campaigning for better menu design to save us time and money. However, in the interim, he has published the results of his research on his website www.pleasepress1.com.

How it works

You can enter the name of the business you are calling and it will show you the number and the phone menu options you need. You then dial the number and as each menu starts, you can 'press ahead' without having to wait for the automated message to rattle through each option.

So, for example, if you have home insurance with Lloyds TSB and you have a water leak to your property you could spend 4 minutes wading through 78 menu options, or you can check the site and dial 1-3-2-1-1-5-4.

If you want a brochure to see how you could spend your Nectar points on travel, you could call Sainsbury's and spend 3 minutes and 7 seconds on 29 menu options, or you could dial 3-1-4-1-1-1.

If you wanted to ask Argos about a TV you were buying from the website you could spend 2 minutes and 37 seconds going through 73 menu options, or you could dial 1-3-4-2-3.

Alternatively if you have an income tax enquiry for HMRC you could spend 4 minutes and 35 seconds on the 0845 number getting through 74 options on the menus. Or you could dial 1-hold-1-3-2-2.

Clarke estimates that the secret codes could save 1 billion minutes of call time a year. We would also get around the advertising that 68% of organisations use between the options. He has launched a Call Centre Menu Enthusiasts Group, and says: "I've been working in IT for over 30 years and nothing gets me riled up like having my time wasted through inefficient design. This is why I've devoted the best part of seven years to solving this issue."

Now for some vampire news

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Today's world is difficult for everyone, especially teenagers. They face the stresses of school, deciding whom to date, and the biggie of sex, just to name a few. Imagine all of those things ten times worse, and you might get an idea of what it's like being a living, breathing teenage vampire. At last, the world can read about the life of a girl with good teeth, her problems with strong sunlight that gave her spots, and the sunblock that made her hair go yucky and produced more spots. Yes, sunlight was dangerous, as she could be the first teenager in history to die from terminal acne! In her everyday life, older vampires expected her to walk about at night in the traditional female uniform, a see-through, 18th-century nightdress, without undies! Well, this female vampire knew why the cold winds blowing along the corridors were called, "male winds," so she wore her see-through nightdress over jeans and a very thick jumper. To be sure that people would still know she was a vampire, the jumper had a very large, pink bat on it. And as to guys, well, it was normal for a girl to dream about guys; she just wished the dreams could have involved chocolates and holding hands, not leaping out at someone, ripping off his shirt, and demanding to know what blood type he was (at least not on the first date).

Guys sex secrets they don't tell their girlfriends

Rounded up a group of men and asked them to spill their 
innermost thoughts on their exes, their girlfriends’ bodies and what 
they do with your shoes when you’re out, they laughed and said “not a 
chance”. So we twisted their arms behind their backs until they could 
take the pain no more, and eventually they spat out the truth. Here’s 
what they told us…


1. “I can take a laptop apart and put it back together again, but I 
have no idea how to put on a condom properly. I’m 35 and can’t remember 
how many flings I’ve had.”

2. “Every woman I see, I picture naked. Doesn’t matter if she’s my 
girlfriend or the nan in the supermarket queue. I can’t help but 
imagine what she looks like with nothing on. Bet most men do exactly 
the same.”

3. “I know where my girlfriend keeps her diary and I read it regularly.”

4. “The girl I’m seeing goes to loads of trouble with candles, music, 
wine etc whenever I go round to her house for dinner. It’s quite sweet 
but it’s totally pointless. Men couldn’t give a toss about romance, we 
just want you to get a beer from the fridge and get your clothes off. 
But I’ll let her continue with the seduction stuff, ‘cause she’d be 
gutted if she knew what I’d just said.”

5. “I never, ever have any idea ‘where the relationship is going,’ and 
I care even less.”

6. “There is nothing more gross than untrimmed private bits on a girl. 
I can really fancy her, then find a big unruly bush, and I’ll never 
want to sleep with her again. Sorry.”

7. “I’m sleeping with her best friend, but I’d rather be sleeping with 
her sister.”

8. “My girlfriend takes the same size shoes as me, so sometimes when 
she’s out I put on her high heels and walk around the house in them. 
It’s really hard at first but you get used to it, and it gives your 
calf muscles a good workout.”

9. “I wish I could say that women look better with no make-up on. But 
generally they look really rough.”

10. “I quite often fake orgasms when I’m getting bored and want to go 
to sleep, or when I just can’t make it happen. I just grab a bit of 
tissue and pretend.”

11. “If any girl says ‘I love you’ before I’ve said it to her, I have 
to dump her. Partly because I find it a turn off, and partly because 
it’s my tradition.”

12. “I never remember anything a woman says to be during a date, 
because I spend the whole time thinking about what her face looks like 
during sex.”

13. “If a woman is good in bed, it has absolutely nothing to do with 
her technique and absolutely everything to do with her enthusiasm. But 
I’m happy to let the girls carry on thinking that technique matters, 
because it’s a nice bonus.”

14. “We get far more jealous than girls do.”

15. “I’ve been waiting for a girl to phone me all week and I’ve cried 
about it twice. No way am I ringing her first.”

16. “I pretend to forget about our anniversary because I get scared 
that my girlfriend will forget, and I don’t want to be the only one who 
remembers, because it’s not manly.”

17. “I wax my chest with my sister’s leg-wax strips.”

18. “My girlfriend thinks I go running but actually I go and sit in the 
park for a smoke, then walk the 200 yards home again.”

19. “Chatting girls up is hideously difficult, and I’m terrified of 
rejection. So if I’m at a party I always try to spot the weak one and 
separate her from the pack so I’ve got more chance of success.”

20. “If a woman chats me up I automatically think she’s a bit 
desperate.”

21. “I love chick flicks and have watched Titanic about 10 times.”

22. “I’m completely straight but I’ve got a slight thing for Matt Damon 
and was made up when my girlfriend wanted to watch all three Bourne 
films one evening. Had the best sex ever after that.”

23. “I fancy the news reader Moira Stewart.”

24. “When I suggest splitting the bill on a first date, it’s because I 
don’t want to have sex with her.”

25. “Men moan about women talking too much, but we all secretly like 
chatty women because it means less work for us. I had a date recently 
with a girl who was nice-looking but very quiet, and the evening seemed 
to last a week. There was so much dead air. Babbly women are the lesser 
of two evils.”

26. “My girlfriend has lost a bit of weight recently and I know that 
she’s really happy about it, and her clothes fit better and all that, 
but to be honest I wish she’d chub up again because she was more 
cushiony, which made her nicer to have sex with. She was also a bit 
warmer in bed. Literally warmer, temperature-wise. Now that she’s slim 
she’s got freezing feet.”

27. “I find women far more attractive in underwear than naked.”

28. “When I’m having sex with my girlfriend I imagine that she’s my ex.”

29. “Whenever I look through my girlfriend’s Facebook photos, I’m 
basically eyeing up her good-looking friends.”

30. “I wear concealer to bed.”

31.”I make fun of my girlfriend for buying celeb magazines but I read 
them from cover to cover on the loo. If she didn’t buy them I’d have to 
find a way to smuggle them into the house.”

32. “I spent the night at a girl’s place and used her pink razor on my 
hair ‘down there’, because I got a kick out of the idea of that we’d 
shaved our bits with the same razor. I hope it didn’t blunt the blade.”

Guy's secrets..
By Jane Hoskyn

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Sex secrets girls don't want guys to know !!!

From stubble burn to carpet burn and
Sex secrets girls don't want guys to know

Ask us what women are thinking, and we can trot out any number of 
things. “Don’t knock babbling, it’s a sign that we fancy you,” for 
example. Or: “Give us stubble burn once and we may never kiss you 
again.”

But those are the things that we wish men knew. The really telling 
thoughts are the ones that we don’t want men to know. Especially the 
men that we’re sleeping with – or wish we were sleeping with.

Deep in this innermost vault of secrecy lie our feelings about our 
exes, your exes, our bodies, your bodies... and our feelings at the end 
of a date or the start of a relationship. This is top-secret, 
high-octane stuff. In the wrong hands, it could be extremely dangerous. 
Read on if you think you’re hard enough.

1. When we get whistled at in the street, we feel uncomfortable and 
we’ll always tut and roll our eyes. But we’re awesomely flattered and 
we’d be gutted if it stopped.

2. We will never grow out of our fascination with pop stars. A guy can 
be completely ordinary-looking, but we will fancy him if he’s in a band.

3. We are more likely to fancy a guy if his ex-girlfriends are really 
pretty.

4. We can be put off a guy by finding out that his ex-girlfriends are a 
bit ugly.

5. When we look through your Facebook photos, we’re looking to see how 
pretty or ugly your ex-girlfriends are.

6. We look through your Facebook photos a lot, and we really hope that 
you haven’t downloaded anything that reveals who looks at them the most.

7. Here’s how to make us fall for you. One day, come on to us so strong 
that we’re a bit weirded out by it. Then totally fail to ring us. We’ll 
wonder what we did wrong, and we won’t be able to stop thinking about 
you.

8. The above strategy isn’t foolproof. We may just lose interest. It 
depends on how much we liked you in the first place.

9. We often don’t know how much we liked you in the first place. We may 
have to wait until you don’t phone us. If we’re disappointed, it proves 
that we fancy you. If we’re not, it proves that we don’t. It’s like 
when you toss a coin to help you make a decision.

10. Stop trying to understand how our minds work. Even we don’t 
understand how our minds work.

11. We constantly change our minds and reserve the right to do so.

12. We love getting a missed call from you. It makes us feel in control.

13. The pleasure of noticing a missed call doesn’t last long. We never 
know how soon to ring back, and it does our heads in.

14. We are constantly scared of putting you off by seeming too keen.

15. We are constantly scared of putting you off by not seeming keen 
enough.

16. We will never discuss this with you because we are constantly 
scared of putting you off by bringing “us” up in conversation.

17. “I’m scared of being hurt” means “I don’t fancy you as much as I 
thought I did.” You know it, we know it, and that is all that will be 
said on the matter.

18. We say “we’re not manipulative” because we’re really good at being 
manipulative.

19. We only manipulate your feelings because you manipulated our 
feelings first.

20. Snoring costs you sex.

21. Your feet disgust us.

22. We shave our toes.

23. We’ve got a rogue hair that needs regular plucking.

24. We went through a phase of shaving our moustache.

25. We leave our legs unshaven on a first date so that we won’t end up 
in bed with you.

26. We wear big knickers on a first date so that we won’t end up in bed 
with you.

27. We spend entire first dates fancying the pants off you and worrying 
that we’ll end up in bed with you, all unshaven legs and big knickers.

28. We don’t actually care that much about the loo seat.

29. We suspect that you like our bodies more when we’re carrying a few 
extra pounds, but we always feel better about ourselves when we lose 
weight. However we hate that our boobs look deflated, and we’re 
disgusted by the injustice of it.

30. We envy you for being able to eat more than us and not get fat. By 
“envy” we mean “occasionally hate.”

31. If a grown-up woman has light blonde hair, she’s bleaching it*. You 
can tell that a woman is a natural blonde from her mousey eyebrows. (* 
OK, or she’s Scandinavian.)

32. We trim our nose-hair.

33. Yes we’ve got nice eyes, blah blah. Boring. We are desperate for 
you to compliment our skin and our necks.

34. We are even more desperate for you to write poems about us.

35. When we’re at a party we clock the sexy girls far quicker than we 
clock the sexy guys.

36. We find female strippers sexier than male strippers. But that 
doesn’t mean we want to snog any of them.

37. However we do wish we were gay sometimes, if only to get oral sex 
from someone who really knows what they’re doing.

38. Size does matter, fellas.

39. What you do with it matters even more.

40. What you do with your tongue matters most of all.

41. We’re really scared that you’ll feel our back zits.

42. During breakouts we get up at 6am and cover our spots with 
concealer while you’re sleeping.

43. We don’t want you to stay for breakfast. We want you to leave 
immediately so that you don’t have time to register how dog-rough we 
look in the morning.

44. We want you to text us from your journey home to say how you can’t 
stop smiling.

45. If you don’t text or call within 24 hours we’ll feel so unhappy 
that no amount of chocolate and wine can cheer us up. Though we’ll give 
it a try.

46. We’d happily sleep with your best mate to make you jealous.

47. We’re scared of commitment too.

48. If you’re not very well endowed, your girlfriend won’t tell her 
friends. She’s as embarrassed about it as you are. However if you dump 
her, she’ll tell everyone.

49. We fake orgasms so that you’ll stop and let us go to sleep.

50. We aren’t always sure when we’re faking it. In orgasms, the line 
between fact and fiction can be very thin.

51. We love falling asleep in your arms, for the first few weeks of a 
relationship anyway. To be honest we’d sleep a lot better if you 
weren’t there.

52. We find your dark-coloured bedsheets a total turn-off.

53. We’re all little girls inside. You make us cry far more easily than 
you realise.

53 secrets girls don't want guys to know

By Jane Hoskyn





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