Amy Mah is a snarky, sarcastic and cynical author who writes of her life as a modern Vampire and whose books can be seen at: www.FangsRule.com or on Amazon her first book is self help guide called: Fangs Rule a girls guide to being a vampire from Reardon Publishing and is available as full colour paperback, Kindle; E Book. Amy also written VAMPIRE where you read of her problems of living her life as a blood chilling denizen of the night. Later this year her book on sexy Demons will be published
This very funny vampire novel is very different from your normal vampire book
not just because it is bursting with full colour art fitted in with the text showing the life of a young vampire forced to walk about in a transparent nightdress all day without underwear because that is what female vampires are supposed to do!
“The massacre on 22nd and 3rd was greatly exaggerated by the human newspapers and not altogether my fault.
It was my very first hunting trip, and a girl should not be judged by her first bite night. And no one ever talks about me saving the life of that cat.
Besides, most of them kind of killed themselves without any help from me...."
A
self help guide by Amy Mah (Vampire) for teenage vampire girls, the guide is
fully illustrated by manga Artist Heby and is written in an easy to follow A -
Z format explaining everything a teenage vampire girl would need to know about
living life as a modern Vampire. What is fashionable to wear when eating out?
Fang maintenance & how to keep your claws sharp. Should you let a boy bite
you on the first date? Easy to understand clear advice is given to every day
problems Example: When you get an urge to bite: We all get those normal urges
to bite things, and I must point out it is very normal, Claws are all well and
good in a fight but a bite gives the extra advantage of getting a refreshing
drink at the same time. Lots of girls worry about showing their Fangs in public
believing that to show your fangs is rude, but don't be shy they can be a girls
greatest asset (ok second greatest asset) if a boy is being rude to you, don't
just snarl at him, just bite him! You are a vampire why do you think you have
sharp teeth if not for sinking them into a boy that is being rude to you.
Today's
world is difficult for everyone, especially teenagers. They face the stresses
of school, deciding whom to date, and the biggie of sex, just to name a few.
Imagine all of those things ten times worse, and you might get an idea of what
it's like being a living, breathing teenage vampire. At last, the world can
read about the life of a girl with good teeth, her problems with strong
sunlight that gave her spots, and the sunblock that made her hair go yucky and
produced more spots. Yes, sunlight was dangerous, as she could be the first
teenager in history to die from terminal acne! In her everyday life, older
vampires expected her to walk about at night in the traditional female uniform,
a see-through, 18th-century nightdress, without undies! Well, this female
vampire knew why the cold winds blowing along the corridors were called,
"male winds," so she wore her see-through nightdress over jeans and a
very thick jumper. To be sure that people would still know she was a vampire,
the jumper had a very large, pink bat on it. And as to guys, well, it was
normal for a girl to dream about guys; she just wished the dreams could have
involved chocolates and holding hands, not leaping out at someone, ripping off
his shirt, and demanding to know what blood type he was (at least not on the
first date).
Amy Mah brilliantly sums up a teenager's unfair, unlucky, and incredibly awkward life: "For some reason boys are fascinated with boobs, and with plastic surgery so easily available nowadays I don't see why they don't get their own..." -- so why is it that they like ours so much -___- Us girls don't obsess over their weenies like that.
"[Blooding] is the when quality time is spent with your dad, no longer, in which he no longer is the old-fashioned monster of a male that storms into your bedroom without knocking while you're changing and demanding that you apologize to your mother for something that she is shouting at him about." -- the story of my family in one sentence.
"If your boyfriend suddenly decides to go commando, just tell him he looks untidy. A boy standing still naked is okay, but as soon as he walks about, not all his bits move at the same pace, and it is more amusing-looking than sexy. You may have heard of girls swooning (fainting) when seeing a boy naked, but I expect this was just an excuse to stop from pointing at them and getting into a fit of giggles over what they see." -- I reckon so too! LOL
"Remember that it is normal to turn the head slightly when you kiss. Nine times out of ten it will be to the right, which of course means that the first time you kiss a boy, he'll be the one out of ten sort, and you'll knock noses." -- in every kiss you have as a teenager, he will be the one out of ten sort. It soon shall pass.
"There's a truth in the old saying: 'Go to bed with a stranger and wake up with a friend.'" -- well I never! This puts a whole new perspective on the concept of sleeping with the enemy. So forbidden (hot).
Today's world is difficult for everyone, especially teenagers. They face the stresses of school, deciding whom to date, and the biggie of sex, just to name a few. Imagine all of those things ten times worse, and you might get an idea of what it's like being a living, breathing teenage vampire. At last, the world can read about the life of a girl with good teeth, her problems with strong sunlight that gave her spots, and the sunblock that made her hair go yucky and produced more spots. Yes, sunlight was dangerous, as she could be the first teenager in history to die from terminal acne! In her everyday life, older vampires expected her to walk about at night in the traditional female uniform, a see-through, 18th-century nightdress, without undies! Well, this female vampire knew why the cold winds blowing along the corridors were called, "male winds," so she wore her see-through nightdress over jeans and a very thick jumper. To be sure that people would still know she was a vampire, the jumper had a very large, pink bat on it. And as to guys, well, it was normal for a girl to dream about guys; she just wished the dreams could have involved chocolates and holding hands, not leaping out at someone, ripping off his shirt, and demanding to know what blood type he was (at least not on the first date).
As
my book says being a vampire is not easy, it is not all dressing in black and
spending a fortune in dental floss
Some
times i think I am a round peg sort of person living in a sq hole world, to day
the local mega store had a sale on light bulbs so i got 15.
Yes
just because I am a vampire does not mean I have to always have to use the dribbling
black candles
The automatic pay till no longer gives bags
and there I am trying to hold 15 bulbs so I put them back in the basket to go
look for a box.
The
basket has a door sensor alarm which I set off looking for a box, after finding
a box I set the alarms back off again bringing the basket back.
Now as
for the alarms no one takes a blind bit of notice of them, and the thing is I
wouldn't have cared if they had as the first to complain would find themselves
carrying the bulbs for me.............
What
stupid human decided that bulbs should come in two types of fitting?
The
only reason for this is to upset anyone that has to stand on two boxes to reach
the darn fitting to discover they have the wrong bulb!!!!!
What
I need is an Igor servant to get the shopping
But
no cash so ………………..
Buy
a book !!!!!!!!!!
If
not don’t blame me if people start finding an odd corpse laying outside a mega
store with neck wounds and a screw fit bulb stuck in their mouth!
So let me just make this clear My name is Amy and I am a vampire, author and blogger and I write a blog so that I can moan and complain about the world as I see it plus I gently hint that is you wish to live a bit longer it would be a good idea to buy a book …………… it is cheaper than buying life insurance ………… look if you are a stupid human male …..don’t try to understand the difficult words just get your wallet out.
I am not in a good mood today and it is your fault !!! Yes you the readers !!!!!
You are not buying my books fast enough so that I can eat ! bottled blood is expensive so it is your fault that I will now have to go out and cull humans………well you breed so fast who will notice………
……. And I have even had to take on another job to pay the bills,and what the heck is this crap about sexual equality !!! no way is that going to happen if I have my way ……………. Some stupid male thinking he is equal to me ! ……huh …….you have to be joking …………………
Look I am not a people person …………… just ask anyone that knows me ………………hell it is hard work dealing with humans at the best of times but stupid male humans ……scream ……. So not a people person nor am I modest, but then I don’t need to be modest ………
……what I am is a little short tempered with stupid males !...................... they do not listen ! ……………..what can one do …………. Well I knee them in the Nuts and as they drop to the ground I grab the head and start slamming it into the concrete floor as I softly whisper ………. It is so not a good idea to be condescending to Amy …………………repeat after me “ I will listen to what Amy says as she is brighter than I am and if I don’t she will make me wish I was dead”
People ask is this blog really me? …
………no of course not I am in fact a 6’ 6” Australian beach Surfer, “GDay” …..with blue eyes and blond curly locks that fall over my broad shoulders ………….. and leads the eyes down to my 6 pack of a chest, then on to a tiny pair of Skinies which look like they are painted on as I am hung like a horse so my full sexual prowess is fully on display ……………….Sigh…………… god ………That is making me so HOT thinking of that …………… sigh ………..
Ok, Ok, ………. It’s a lie if I was really like that do you think I would pretend to be a 5’ foot, small busted Chinese Asian !!!come on think about it !…………..er…….not the males you just play with the pretty beads ok …. If you behave I will buy you an icecream later………..
… If I was going to make something up, it would be a hell of a lot better than this body………… and if you do not believe I am a vampire, wait till I bite you !!!!!
Why this has come to mind is the crazy thing that happened last week when they discovered the Lesbian Blogger arrested in Syria for being Gay was in fact a guy ………
I did not even think it is a crime in Syria to be a Lesbian ………only guys can be gay …….. girls are just confused and just need the right man to give her lots of children to get such silly ideas out of her head………..
He had 200,000 hits !!!!!! look for that many blog viewers I will say that I am a gay Syrian .. ok so I may stand out a little by being a Chinese looking Syrian but for 200,000 hits I will give it a go !
Now as a Vampire I kinda have problems trying to keep ahead of what you call Race issues…………………..
So the bags of blood come in different coloured containers …………… what is the point of that if the colour coding does not match a blood group chart !………….. Look how can I put this nicely ……………… WILL YOU STOP HAVING SEX WITH DIFFERENT RACES !!!!!! ……….. It is very inconvenient! Stick to your own colours! God colour coded you for a reason, and that is you will know who breeds with whom.
So Stop it, you are more like Rabbits than Apes………… it is hard enough finding a blood type you like without you swapping all the coloured labels around just to confuse and fool me!!!
Looking Asian I have to look carefully at the Bloggers rule book ….and I see that I have to be careful on what I say ….er………..in RACE I can not use the N Word………… in case Americans see it and faint ……………. Can I use the full Latin name…..does that count? ………….. So funny you should see what Chinese call the white races…………
The nice ones I expect you know:………
Red Beards,(and no I don’t know why)
Long Noses, (well you do have long noses …..sorry but you should have noticed before you started sticking them in to other countries)
Barbarians (er …………. this one is very true you should see how a western restaurant tries to cook prawn noodles)
Foreign Devils (perhaps due to the strange gods you have ……… our culture is a lot older than yours and so by the time we were getting used to Zeus and his family you up and changed to the dress wearing gods of Christianity and Islamality………… )
As the not so nice names……………. Hehehehehehe ….but very descriptive ……. It is always so funny when white people think they are the only race intolerant lot in the world…….
So just to confirm I am not a gay lesbian from Syria I am a VAMPIRE !!!!!!!!!!!!
